breaking the hush

the blog

These are Shawn's writings.  They are real, they are raw, they are fresh.  These writings are the rawest part of himself, his struggles with God, his struggles with himself, his fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, and everything else he's facing.  They are posted as the latest entry first, so for the best understanding, start with his earliest post. 

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Whatever It Takes

Posted by [email protected] on August 20, 2017 at 1:55 PM Comments comments (0)
The first time I walking into my public defender???s office 9 years ago, he told me that I was a good guy, but a horrible criminal. I took that as a compliment but at the same time, it didn???t sound like a good defense. He saw in my file that when the detectives showed up on my doorstep, it didn???t take 5 minutes for them to have a FULL confession. According to my attorney, I said too much. He probably would have dropped me on the spot if he knew that the only reason the police even came to my house because I reported myself. Well, not directly to the police, but to the social media site I was using. Let me explain??? I created an account with an alternate persona. This page that was set up by me, had pictures of a man I never met with an alias and all other made up info. I then used that account to speak with my victim. This is called ???cat fishing.??? I hated what I was doing, the deceit of it all. But it was like I was living in two different worlds. After cat fishing my victim, I sat on the edge of my bed completely disgusted with myself. I didn???t like this Shawn???I knew I was called for a purpose and this negated that calling. So with my head in my hands, in the darkness, I whispered the words, ???Whatever It Takes, Lord!??? I was hopeless, I knew I could no longer do this on my own and the same was unbearable. I needed help and it was to be divine. Soon after those desperate sincere words resonated-I logged back into that account and red flagged it to the company, which sends an ???alert??? message that gets the social media site investigated for inappropriate content or actions. I honestly only thought that this would warrant cancelation of the bogus account. I didn???t know that what I was doing was illegal. There was no physical contact or meeting, or intentions of such. I had never heard of anyone getting in trouble for inappropriate conversations with a teenager. Now, this is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for what I did. Not legally nor spiritually. Like I said, things weren???t right. I just saw it as a cheap substitute for a porn addiction that I was trying to kick on my own. For the last 9 years, there have been times when I would drop the ???What if.??? What if I never flagged that account? What if I never gave that confession? Where would I be? What would I be doing???? All kinds of questions ran through my mind. There is one thing I know for sure???I now have NO REGRETS on telling on myself. Of course, I regret my sin ??? the deception, hurting others, but I don???t regret where that moment, on the edge of my bed 9 years ago, has taken me. I don???t regret ???whatever it takes!??? I don???t regret my report of cooperation. Even though it???s been hard, lonely, incredibly painful and shameful, it has been worth it. I never thought that I would be able to sit here and opening write this to you a healthy, free man. It???s worth going through all of that to be able to openly and honestly share my story for the 14 year old Shawn out there who thinks freedom from his struggles is impossible, or the man or even woman out there who things they are all alone in their addiction. To you, there is hope, there is life and freedom through Christ. You are NOT ALONE ??? it takes openness and honesty-there will be pain and sacrifice but there is nothing that is not worth the feeling of freedom and being able to commune with the Creator because of the purity in your life. Purity is possible and freedom is feasible. Whatever it takes! Breaking the Hush~ Shawn

Move! Believe! Act!

Posted by [email protected] on August 15, 2017 at 6:25 PM Comments comments (0)

 

“And it shall come to pass afterward
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your old men shall dream dreams,
Your young men shall see visions.
And also on My menservants and on My maidservants
I will pour out My Spirit in those days.
 “And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth:
Blood and fire and pillars of smoke.
The sun shall be turned into darkness,
And the moon into blood,
Before the coming of the great and awesome day of the Lord.
And it shall come to pass
That whoever calls on the name of the Lord
Shall be saved.
For in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be deliverance,
As the Lord has said,
Among the remnant whom the Lord calls.
Joel 2:28-32

 

Is it just me or does anyone else out there sense an urgency to act? Like time is getting shorter? This week in prayer I just began to weep and plead with God to withhold his hand. Time is short. Very short! I can’t help but feel this urgency that the church must act and do so quickly. Not to waste time playing church or meddling in pettiness. We need to repent and take care of all the ‘gross’ in our lives to be effective; to be used like God intended; as the disciples, Paul or Jesus Himself.
It’s time for the lame to walk, the blind to see, and the dead to rise. It’s time for the remnant to recognize themselves as such and drop to their knees and begin to walk in the Spirit-Clothing themselves in Christ – to stop making excuses for not praying, studying, and GOING in the Power within us. To fall on our face before the ONE true God and make Him first in our lives – to let go of fears, pride, status, doctrinal disputes, failures, anger, self and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. To seek Him and His presence. To hear His voice and begin to step out in boldness and faith like we have never known. To listen and obey without question or fear, if he says, “stay,’ we stay, ‘go,’ we go. If He says to jump up and down on one foot with our thumbs in our mouth than we do it because a desperate suicidal mom told God that she would believe in Him if a stranger jumped up and down on one foot with their thumb in their mouth! Mark Batterson writes that we should be more scared of missing opportunities than making mistakes! What are we waiting for?! Where are the men and women willing to sacrifice sleep to pray one more hour, their favorite tv show to see the Word come alive or that meal to experience healing from the cast of their shadow? Where are the ones who are willing to kill your flesh every day so that the lost might LIVE?! Time is short, church! Move! Believe! Act! Like a voice in the desert ‘Prepare the way’ – He is coming back! And soon!

‘If we’re gonna fly like eagles, arms out wide
If we’re gonna fear we fear no evil, we will rise
By your power we will go, by Your Spirit we are bold
If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants
If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions.’

--Skillet (Lions)

Breaking the Hush~

Shawn

On the Bed's Edge

Posted by [email protected] on August 13, 2017 at 6:25 PM Comments comments (0)

I came to a revelation while in prayer this week. It was 10 years ago this month that I set on the edge of my bed, in a room I loved, living in a house I loved, surrounded by people I loved, in a job I loved, in a city I loved and told God with the most sincere heart, to please do WHATEVER IT TAKES to free me from self; to rid me of all my secret sins, struggles and addictions. And the Lord heard that prayer and saw my heart and hasn’t stopped answering for 10 years! In fact, I’ve made sure never to pray those words again…”whatever it takes.”

I had no idea on the edge of that bed, what that looked like. I’m glad I didn’t. But if I would have known what the other side of those ten years had to offer, I would have prayed those words long before. I have never been so humbled or overwhelmed to have gone through these past 10 years to have learned, and grown to know the God that I know now. To have gone through all the pain, hurt, humiliation, shame, sorrow, regret, despair, hopelessness and rejection was worth every day, month, and year to now be able to experience a freedom shadowed by nothing-I am beyond words or expressions!

God, I have never known you to be so good to any one man than myself. To have called me, cleansed me and equipped me. I owe my entire self to you. Your mercy is beyond my understanding. No man can be as blessed as I.

Breaking the Hush with a most humbled heart~


Shawn (Forgiven)

I'm Bragging

Posted by [email protected] on June 18, 2017 at 7:30 PM Comments comments (0)

They say that we relate our relationship with our Heavenly Father by the one we have with our earthly father. In other words, however we see ‘dad,’ we also see God. For example, if dad is caring, loving and patient, that’s how we see God is towards us. But, if our Father was absent, or a tyrant and harsh, or even manipulative-well, so goes God in our eyes.

The first thing that went through my head when the judge sentenced me to the maximum 20 years was not, ‘my life is over’ or ‘this isn’t fair’ or even ‘What now?’ The only thing I could think of was how horribly embarrassing it would be for my parents to have to tell their friends, co-workers, or future acquaintances that their son was in prison. How they would have to dodge the questions and pray, if for whatever reason they did have to disclose, that they wouldn’t probe any farther, and mom and dad would have to tell them why or how I ended up here. I halfway expected to be disowned!

Immediately after my hearing, I was escorted back to the jail and told I had a visit. It was my parents. The look on their faces was heart breaking, but the words that came out of my dad’s mouth were LIFE CHANGING!! ‘I am so proud of you Shawn! We are both so proud of you.’ It’s hard for me to think about it without tearing up. I will NEVER forget that moment; the moment I was most unlovable, an outcast, a leper, an embarrassment to our name, our family. I began to sob and melted in humility. At my weakest moment, when I would 100% understand chastisement and rejection, my father not only showed me love, grace and forgiveness, but was proud. When you’re proud of something, the last thing you do is hide it. In fact you find reasons to show it off and my dad was PROUD…of me!

I love my father, my dad….daddy! And I love him even more for showing me God, my Abba Father. Showing me that no matter what I did, how painful, humiliating, horrible, dirty, or public my sin may be, He loves me, forgives me and with a humble heart, is proud of me.

Breaking the Hush~

Shawn

**Thank you Dad! I love you more every day and will never be able to express what you mean to me. You are strong and meek, gentle and stern, you are my dad and I will forever tell this story! I have so many times already to men that need to know! I guess you could say that I’m proud, and as a boy proud of his dad, I do what any boy does…I brag! Happy Father’s Day Daddy!!


Tokens

Posted by [email protected] on April 14, 2017 at 7:00 PM Comments comments (0)
When I left Dalhart, I thought that I'd sacrificed enough. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But after being gone just a few weeks, I realized that I still had 'tokens' from my relationship. Physical momentoes. Anybody who knows me, knows how sentimental I can be. I literally will save a piece of trash if it means something to me. So, you can imagine I kept a few things in my relationship. Now, if I was mentoring someone who ended or was ending an unhealthy relationship, one of the first things I would have them do is get rid of these 'tokens.' And here I am. The hard part is there was no real ending. I fact, it was clear when I left that we weren't ending it. Of course, turning back to the Lord, that's going to be a problem. So, in doing so, committing my life again to Him, living as I should-God's not going to let it slide. Letting go of those 'tokens' would be the big beginning to the final end of the relationship. Of course, any of you that have been anywhere near this situation know, it's not easy. For three years I lowered my guard on my heart and my emotions. I completely lived in my flesh and gave everything I had to give to this man, Juan; and just moving hundreds of miles away-though it seemed like enough--it wasn't. As I began to get closer to the Lord, I realized I no longer had parts of my heart to give and though leaving was the catalyst for a renewed relationship with God, He was requiring so much more. I bound myself to this man with words like: 'my heart is yours, you and me forever, you're everything to me, I'll do anything for you.' And when spoken, I meant every word. I had spoken strongholds into my life and these tokens were a reflection of that. So for two months, I have been telling the Lord, 'no, not yet,' 'it's too painful,' and He has been patiently waiting for me to lay down those things that are hurting His heart and keeping me from getting closer. My mind was saying yes, but my heart (which is deceptive-Jer. 17:9) was crying out,' No'- Begging to hold on! Well, this week, while reading Joshua, I began to think it all the sacrifices God asked if the Israelites. Then I though all the way back to Abel and his offering, Abraham willing to give up Isaac, to God Himself giving us His son and that son giving His own life. It took all of That for me to see that if I didn't want it, or love it-it might NOT be much of a sacrifice. But I wanted those tokens and I loved Juan. So today, on Good Friday, I took those tokens, wrapped them as a gift and laid them on the floor, symbolizing laying then at the foot of the cross, and I wept. I bawled like a baby. I hurt, and I let go. I sacrificed. When my crying was done, I picked it up and threw them away. Then I went back and cried some more. I told the Lord that I trusted Him to take care of Juan-who knows the truth-and that I know my sacrifice will be honored because of His promises, but that it didn't matter because His sacrifice was enough/. Then I wrote a song: MY HEART IS YOURS I've never known such pain like this It's a rupture in my chest I lay down all I have to you I sacrifice my best Let these tokens from my past Smell sweet to you, Lord It's everything I have All I can afford Now I praise you alone I long to see your face All you have you give to me Your love. New mercies, and your grace CHORUS My heart is yours, my heart is yours My heart is yours, all of it Lord My heart is yours, my heart is yours No turning back, yours forever more. Bridge: I'll do anything for you 'cause you're everything to me I give you all of my heart and now you set me free Breaking the Hush, Shawn **Lord, My heart is yours and not just part of it. YOU'RE everything to me and I'll do anything for YOU. Thank you for giving your life for me, even though you knew it would hurt. Thank you for hope and restoration. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for HEALTHY relationships, new songs, and new mercies, and hank you for accepting my sacrifice. I love you!

Overwhelmed

Posted by [email protected] on April 8, 2017 at 12:05 AM Comments comments (0)
My journal entry from 7-15-15: "I have not written in this thing in over a year and that is about when I gave up; slowly stopped seeking God and reading His Word. I became so lonely and tired, even angry at God. I have given up hope. I made my choice, I am empty, hopeless, alone, tired, dirty, confused and I blame God. What do I do now? What CAN I do now?" My journal entry today (4-8-17): "I'm overwhelmed at the goodness of the God! I left Dalhart as a declaration to the Lord that I am still willing...that I have no idea if it is even possible to get out of this pit I jumped into, but I was willing to leave...It felt so mechanical BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL! Change has been so gradual that it was hard to catch. There is still pain but He has continued a GOOD work in me. The despair has been filled with hope, hope like an old college friend you have not seen in years, but when you meet again it is as if we never parted. And like that friend, I'm embracing hope, catching up. God has been nothing but patient. When I thought He left, He was just waiting for ME to return. He was there the entire time. Such a gentleman, His grace, mercy, and FORGIVENESS are abundant in my life. Oh, to be intimate with Him again! I'm overwhelmed. Luke 7:47-'Therefore, I tell you her MANY sins have been forgiven, for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.' I have been forgiven much-SO MUCH! I'm overwhelmed! Breaking the Hush-- Shawn

My Tattoo

Posted by [email protected] on March 25, 2017 at 5:15 PM Comments comments (0)
I don't have any tattoos, but if I did it would be one of two things-or both as long as we're speaking hypothetically. The first would be the word 'MUNA' lying on a bed of flowers that I assume are native to Hawaii that you see on swim trunks and beach towels every summer! (Hawaiian Hibiscus). I had a dream back in 2013 that I actually had that tattooed on my head. If it weren't for the Hawaiian flowers, we would have never known to research the word 'muna' as a Hawaiian word. It means, 'Rare.' Only God! The second would be a scripture: Isaiah 61:7 "Instead of their shame, My people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace, they will rejoice in their inheritance and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs!' I'm sure I have read that scriptures few times before, but not until I was reading a book by Mark Batterson did it settle in my spirit. In "IF: trading your 'if only' regrets for God's 'what if' possibilities", Mark tells a story about a minister who went too far on facebook and lost everything. Sound familiar? In the midst of this pastor friend's grief, the Lord gave him a word-twice-'instead of your shame, you will receive a double portion." As I read that story, something deep inside of me stirred. A calling, a promise for my life. The purpose of 'Breaking the Hush'." I was first called into the ministry while reading a book in the library my freshman year of college, almost 18 years ago; and now God is reaffirming His call in the same fashion. Along with hope, He is renewing a passion for His call on my life. Someone once told me that getting a tattoo is like wearing your favorite shirt for the rest of your life. My previous notion of Hawaiian shirts being 'tacky' may be changed. As long as 'Muna' is embroidered on the front and Isaiah 61:7 scrawled across the back, I might just be able to make it a part of my wardrobe or atleast hang it on my wall as a 'mezuzah'! Grace & Peace~ Shawn ** To Mark: If by some divine possibility you ever read this-thank you! Thank you for being sensitive to the Spirit and obeying Him. After reading 'If,' I went back and re-read 'The Circle maker' and now am re-reading 'If!' I am a testimony to you circling your books in prayer. God's sovereignty continues to amaze me. I don't know why I am still surprised-I shouldn't be. Because of your sweet Spirit inspired writing, I am a spirit renewed. I have circled Isaiah 61:7 in more ways than one and an in a season of anticipation and expectancy for God to show His glory. I don't know you, but I love you and will pray circles around you, your family, church, and ministry. Please tell your pastor friend that by him 'breaking the hush' I am a beneficiary!

My Heart is Filled

Posted by [email protected] on February 19, 2017 at 2:35 PM Comments comments (0)
Since leaving my last unit and moving to stiles, it has been miserable, but tolerable. I have questioned my decision to leave Dalhart and some days it has been very hard to cope; all the crazy negative differences and the process of letting go. Every day, I have never neglected to seek God or read His Word, and every day was quiet�?�until this week. I�??ve been so desperate and hungry to hear from God�??to know that I still have a purpose and that I�??ve not been totally forgotten! It�??s very much a struggle when you feel that your relationship with the Lord is one sided. But, every day I would tell Him that I KNEW He was Good and faithful even if I didn�??t see it. Honestly, some days I was trying to even convince myself. In all my whining and pleading, I would ask God to show His sovereignty�??to let me know that He was listening and to restore some ounce of hope that I once had. Well, I am writing this today to tell you that God is good and faithful and he showed me this week how BIG He really is in such a small, but �??there-is-a-God-and-He-is-listening�?� way! Sometime during the beginning of this past week, I wasn�??t praying but was thinking how nice it would be to read a Donald Miller book again (one of my favorite authors) and in the same train of thought, I began thinking of someone I knew in college. We traveled in the same circles but were never really close. In fact, we may have only had a total of two conversations that I can remember. Then comes Friday and I receive a package in the mail containing two books, one being one of my favorite Donald Miller�??s and another titled, �??Anonymous�?? by Alicia Chole. Immediately I recognized the name. I first met and heard Alicia and her husband speak in my small childhood church over 20 years ago and was blessed to hear her several times since. Inside the book was a small paper with a note�?� �??Hi Shawn! I just wanted to send you some encouragement and tell you that you aren�??t forgotten! This book is by a super genuine, authentic mentor of mine-wanted to share it with you. Hope this week is filled with hope and peace! �?? (Then referring to the Donald Miller book) �??This came to mind today. It had emotional impact for me when I read it long ago on a trip to Maui. My theme that week was �??paradise starts in the heart�?? because I was miserable but in a supposedly perfect place. Hoping your heart is filled.�?? And then signed by the same college friend I was thinking about just a few days prior! Only God! Breaking the Hush, Shawn ***To Shannon�??Thank you for walking in the Spirit and being sensitive to the still, small voice. You had no idea where I�??ve been spiritually, yet, this simple act has activated something in my spirit that has been void for a very long time! I pray that you are blessed a hundred fold, that God fulfills your deepest longing for Him and all He has promised you! I have begun to read �??Anonymous�?? and know that Alicia didn�??t have a guy in my situation in mind while writing it, but I have been encouraged knowing that my hibernating bear of potential will be awakened by Spring again! Also, that even THIS course that I�??m in, is a Main! (I still remember her �??sham-mule-poo�?? story!) This book is PERFECT for my current season-another way God is showing me how good He is! This gift could not have come at a better time! You will no longer be known by me as just a college friend, but a sister and woman of God who is advancing the Kingdom on earth one God moment at a time. When thinking of you, your family, and ministry will no longer me a random act but a purposeful choice as I bring your name to the throne room of God in prayer! Thank you forever!***

Breaking the hush, again

Posted by [email protected] on January 1, 2017 at 4:30 PM Comments comments (0)
It's a new year. A time for second chances, starting over, resolutions and renewals. At least for me. I haven't written anything on here in over 2 years. There's a reason for that, and though it may be painful and embarrassing to talk about, I feel that I need to. First, because this is breaking the hush, right? Secondly, I don't think I want to forget how I feel right now or how I got here. Finally, just maybe, someone will understand... at least one person and they've been there, or are there and by me 'breaking the hush, it might minister to them or them even to me. I've always believed that there's healing in being honest and open. It's worked for me so far! Let's start a few years back. It's hard to remember the place I was in emotionally and spiritually, but I know I was lonely. That I do remember. I had no friendships that shared my same spiritual DNA. Now, while at my transfer unit, I had SEVERAL of these relationships. I was blessed, but leaving to my ID unit was a different story. There were men there that I believe loved the Lord, it just wasn't the same. I spent a year on my knees praying and expecting God to do something. A miracle-the one He promised me and my family. Eventually, it felt as if God stopped speaking. I wouldn't hear Him as clearly or at all. I mean before, there were times where it was great. He would give me dreams and visions, etc. Gradually, they'd become fewer and it began to seem like I would spend all this time in prayer, but God became silent. I started to get angry with God, not only because I couldn't hear Him, I felt He took His promise with Him. My hope was no longer in Him, but in His words and actions. In my anger, I started to ignore my convictions. Strong convictions. It would be something small which led to something else. Eventually, my bitterness brought me into deep sin. It wasn't so evident on the outside to the non-spiritual eye, but it was there. Gradually, I became involved in a relationship definitely not sanctioned by God. My heart slowly began to wrap itself around theirs until there was no room for God to be my Lord. I was in love with this person. Everything I was and did was about them. I spoke a lot of things that hurt God and knew would have a huge effect on my spirit if I ever chose to give my heart back to Him. I was so deceived by my heart. Just like that scripture in Jeremiah, 'The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?' (Jer. 17:9). You see-they also knew what was going on was wrong. We both strongly believed what the Word of God said was truth. But we also knew what our hearts wanted and weren't trying to listen to anything or anyone but our fleshly heart. These were very real feelings and emotions. I don't believe everyone reading this would agree or understand. Honestly, I'm not offended...but I'm breaking the hush in my life, in case maybe one day you will. I was in the middle of something and I didn't really know how I got there. I just knew I was here and in this place...my heart molded to theirs and was completely okay with it. I was loved, I had companionship, and it filled a void I thought. I was happy...at times. I had no intention of coming back to the Lord or leaving that relationship. I was committed. I was devoted. I was hopeless! I knew what needed to be done, but I knew it was too late. My family knew and eventually resigned to the fact that all they could do was pray. So pray they did. I stopped writing this blog or anyone else. I know that it is impossible for me to communicate with the people I love only on a surface level. So if I didn't feel I could write and be honest because of shame, lack of understanding, etc. then I wouldn't write at all. And I wanted what was happening-I knew what I should do and I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. I was stuck. The heart wants what the heart wants and I knew the alternative would only bring pain...worth it or not. During a moment of sobriety-I told my dad to ask his doctor for a hardship-in TDJC, if you are a certain amount of miles away from your family, with a doctor's letter they can apply for a hardship which sends you closer to home. The doctor was just supposed to send the letter to my dad in case we ever needed it. Unbeknownst to my dad, the doctor had done this before and sent it straight to Huntsville. A few weeks later, I was called to the office to see if I wanted to accept the hardship. He gave me until the next morning to think about it. I knew my family wanted me close, but I also knew that I was on a great unit. Good weather. Perfect job. The best living situation. Great friends I had made in 4 years...it was home. But my spiritual life was dead. My heart wanted to deny it. Leaving meant leaving all of this and the person I loved. There was just something inside of me that knew this might be my last chance. Staying may have meant comfort, happiness, love, but it was only temporary. Staying meant eternal death. So the next morning I took it. Almost 9 weeks later, I was on my way to Beaumont, to a unit known for its crookedness, its chaos and filth, and still a few hundred miles from my family. I question God, if it really took all this and His silence is answer enough. Almost 10 years ago, I prayed 'whatever it takes' and He is still answering. I'm safe, which matters, and my heart is in more pain than I've ever experiences, but I've made God my Lord again. UNASHAMEDLY! Do I have regrets? Yes, of course! Do I hope for God to show His mercy quickly? Yeah. Do I deserve it? No-Never! Nunca! And If He doesn't or never speaks to me again, I will still trust Him, I'll still love Him and I'll still serve Thank you God for your mercy! Thank you for sending me here. Thank you for taking me out of a place of hopelessness and bringing me to a place of surrender. A place of desperation and depravity to bring me to my knees. Thank you for the dark times, the trials and tribulations. Thank you for the pain, the lessons, and the hope. In ALL THINGS I give thanks! Breaking the Hush, Shawn

Where Am I?

Posted by [email protected] on February 16, 2014 at 8:35 PM Comments comments (3)

To be completely honest, there are several days I ask how I got here. At times, it’s so surreal to think that I am sitting in a Texas prison. The shock and awe wears off after a few months and this just becomes a way of life, but every now and then, if I stop and focus on where I live and actually think of my surroundings, the people I see every day, the lack of freedoms I have, that are taken for granted by those on the outside, it’s kind of dumbfounding. I hear of friends of a different time, a better place, getting married, starting families, living in such a different universe from my own. I read of and see institutes of which I was once connected, growing, changing, and advancing. I’m not one to grasp onto ‘what if’s’ or heed to my regrets, mainly only my sins, my disobedience. At the same time, of these I repent and learn and grow. And these sins bring brokenness from which came self-realization and spiritual lessons that may have come easier for others, but for me they were hard but permanent, eternal!

So, when reflecting on how I got here, I believe I’ve found an eternal answer that will never be forgotten. Through my childhood as a confused internally turmoiled boy or as an adolescent, teenager, lonely, angry, and hiding it all; or even my early twenties giving my life for the Lord and desiring to follow him while still struggling with lifelong skeletons and demons, there was one thing I would cry out to God for…I wanted all the feelings of a healthy heterosexual man. I didn’t care if I had to shout out my darkest secrets from a mountain top, I would, if that price tag of shame and embarrassment came with heterosexuality! Though, there was legitimate freedom when being open and honest with mentors, pastors, and friends, there always seemed to ne that monster nipping at my heel. Bit when asking, ‘How did I get here?’ I realized it was because I searched so long for the wrong thing, crying out to god for heterosexuality when the entire time I should have been seeking holiness! This is my lesson through my brokenness. It was never being 100% heterosexual-losing all and every attraction to the same sex, but seeking 100% holiness! Like any skeleton, demon, sin-once it’s recognized and repented of, its holiness that puts us in the throne room of God. Being ‘straight’ doesn’t get me there, separating myself from my sin does. Whether that sin is gay porn, straight porn, promiscuity, lying, gossiping, hatred, coveting, adultery, or plain disobedience. Through holiness and spending time with my Creator, I am able to find my identity in Him. So, no matter what ‘cause’ gave me the ‘effect’ of my same sex attraction, I am able to hold to a hope of a blessed and favored future! I’m able to move on from those sins from my past and strive for holiness. Holiness is obeying Him and brings His purposes to life for me, through me. I am no longer a slave to my sin, my addiction, my perversions, lies of the enemy, but I am a slave and servant to the One and Only Living God-Redeemer and Restorer. As I seek holiness, He is the One whom restores me to a place I could never stand without Him; No place I could be on my own; A place where He will receive all the glory. So when I think of THIS world I live in and I remember the world I called home, what seems like years ago, I cling to this hope. This place of restoration. This place I will stand renewed, restored, changed on this earth and the next!

 


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