breaking the hush

The beginning of ‘Breaking the hush’ for me, had to start with one man. Not this website or ministry, but actually breaking the hush in my own life. I was 20 and a senior in college when introduced to Pastor John through a mutual friend. The meeting was set up by my friend Nelz as a birthday present. It’s a long story and will be included in the book, but basically it was the sovereignty of God that put it all in order. Pastor John started meeting with me on a regular basis for mentorship. This was a new concept for me at the time but I realized that it was an answer to prayer. Around our third meeting, he had built up enough rapport with me that I was able to share with him my struggle with homosexuality and pornography. The freedom in being able to open up is something I will never forget! This is something that everyone dealing with my problem, taboo, should be able to experience. It opened up a path of healing and growth that would have stifled me otherwise. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all daisies and rainbows and I haven’t made all the right choices since, obviously, but without the help from this man setting me on the narrow way, I can only imagine where my soul would be headed! So today, I want to thank this man that I have learned from. Thank you for listening to the voice of the Lord way back then when He told you to meet with me and thank you for accepting and loving me even after knowing things in my heart that no other person did. Thank you for believing in God’s true, redemptive power for my life. It hasn’t been easy but it has all been worth it! I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I love you and miss you. Continue to do your part in breaking the hush!

They say that the one person that influences you the most in life is your father. I can remember my earliest memories of my dad. I was about 3 years old and I remember crying because both my sisters got to leave for school in the mornings but I had to stay home. I remember dad turning on the TV and us sitting down to watch Scooby-Doo. This made it all better. Granted, I don’t know how long my dad lasted, never being an avid cartoon watcher, but it was long enough to ease a 3 year olds pain of abandonment! To me, my dad has always been a big guy-Goliath I would think when I was younger! I remember him pulling me under his head while lying on the floor and proceed to question why his pillow was so lumpy and wiggly. I also remember fixed wrestling matches making me the winner;)

Growing up, life wasn’t always Scooby-Doo and wrestling matches. We had our issues. I turned out to have several! However, through everything, my dad did the best he knew and maybe the best that he was taught. Here’s the thing, he NEVER stopped loving me or supporting me and I owe my love and respect to this man. I embrace my likenesses to him! I love him, that after those hard times and my emotional instability he was willing to grow with me! If I needed him to show affection and speak how proud he was of me, no matter how uncomfortable that may have been for him-He Did It!

***Dad, we’ve done it, we’ve grown together. I have to agree with “them,” you have been the most influential person in my life, and I would not trade you in for any other. I love you and am proud of you. Through your willingness, faithfulness, and obedience, God is moving mightily in our family-continue to step to the plate that God has given you and allow me to lead by your example! Happy birthday Daddy – I pray you have plenty more! By the way, maybe that next match, I’ll win without your ‘help!’

One day last week took me to a dark place—a place I don’t believe I have been to or if I have, it has been a very long while. In my last blog I wrote how the decision on my appeal would be coming up soon and I was slightly downcast because of what I felt in my Spirit—a loss.

Well, last week, all of that was confirmed. Even with the preparation from the Spirit and encouragement from Erick and my family, I allowed the enemy to whisper lies in my ear to the point I asked myself, “Should I give up?” Then immediately I heard one of the sweetest voices singing…

When I was in college, the Lord allowed me to be a part of a traveling vocal ministry called The Harvesters. (I can say ‘God allowed me’ because this was an audition group and I was far from vocally talented enough to be a part of it. However, with a director that looked beyond talent and listened to the Spirit, I was supernaturally selected). There was so much talent on that team and every heart was truly there to serve God. We ministered a song soloed by our 1st soprano called “Through It All.” Well, after I asked myself that question, lying on my bunk—‘Should I give up?’ I began to hear Amanda’s voice singing…

Through it all I choose to serve the Savior,

Through it all I claim Christ as my Friend,

Through it all my faith will never waiver,

Til He calls me home or comes again!

That sweet voice kept resonating in my head for a week, but it did not take that long for me to regain my spiritual composure and begin to claim God’s promises for my life yet again! There is no thing, thought, temptation, emotion, or circumstance that the enemy can throw at me, no matter how he tries, that will keep me from choosing my Savior, claiming Christ or destroy my faith!

**To Amanda—as I was writing this blog the Lord spoke to me that I was not the only that needed reminded of this song—I have no idea what you may be going through but I know that God is holding you in His hand and He is faithful in our obedience. He has not given up on your situation-in fact- none of it is a surprise to Him—take every day as a chance to listen and obey. Don’t allow people and life circumstances to make your faith waiver. His promises still hold true for you and your family. I love you 1,000 Swedish Fish! I am praying for you and Aaron!

You know, every once in a while I tend to struggle with God’s plans versus my plans. I have an appeal date coming up and in seeking God about it, I really feel that I already know the outcome and in that, the Lord is preparing me for the ‘bad’ news. I’ve mentioned before about trusting God 100% in a blog and how this experience in my life has brought me to that point and continues to challenge my faith. I guess that during this struggle, I wore my feelings more on the outside than I thought. In fact, I never think I wear my emotions/worries/stress on my face, but I have been told otherwise. I think others pick up on it before I even realize what I’m feeling, or maybe these people all have the gift of discernment.—except for this one guy the other day, he said I have a “bad energy around my aura.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a gift of the Spirit, at least not the Holy Spirit!

Anyway, one man who I DO believe sensed discernment from the Holy Spirit was Erick. Erick is a man of God who I consider one of my closest friends at this time in my life. But the Jesus that Erick reflects on is more the “table turning Jesus” that refers to the Pharisees as vipers, not so much the Jesus that looked on the crowd of 5000 with compassion or wept at Lazarus’ death. However, in the time I have known and lived with this man, I have seen him grow leaps and bounds. So much so that he has began to embody all aspects of Christ. Today, without knowing my heart (at least from me telling him) he put his hand on my shoulder and reminded me of God’s promises for my life and how He cannot lie. He assured me how His plans are higher than my own. He did this with such a gentleness and love about him that I can only describe as Christ-like. Thank you Erick—for your obedience—the one thing we strive for in our walk, which in turn impacts the world around is in ways we may never know!

By the way---did I tell you that Erick was filled with the Holy Spirit?! Actually, he was dreaming that he was speaking in tongues and then woke up doing just that! Thank you for your prayers.

**To the young lady who sees life in vibrant and living color! Let your passion for life collide with your walk with the Living God and see how far the dreams He has begun to sow in your heart will take you! I love you and miss you!
Happy 8th birthday Rylee Emma Madison Deats

To be honest, I’ve waited a little while to write this blog because I really do want the purpose of this site to be what it says on the mission statement page, and not to bash or discredit any person or institution. For this reason, I have waited to ensure my motives not to be selfish.

As most of you reading this know, taboos are kind of my pet peeve-especially in the church. This definitely comes from my own personal struggle with homosexuality and pornography and not feeling I could get help from anyone for fear of being lynched. Well, after what I like to call my “Great Fall,” I have come to a realization that there are so many good people and great Christians out there that actually follow the steps of Christ and love and help restore with gentleness, knowing the mercy of God because they have been shown that mercy. But I also came to realize that there are still those that at the mention of a sin are ready to crucify. It seems to be the ‘Christians’ or ‘church’ that live up to the worlds expectations of hypocrisy. Not all or even most that I have personally dealt with, but I can tell you that so far only ‘Christians’ have been there to cast the first stones. At the same time, it all seems to be due to these pesky taboos—from being kicked out of my parent’s home (a parsonage owned by a ‘denominational institution’ who preach God’s love, mercy, correction, and restoration) to being ‘asked’ not to minister with such freedom’ after sitting under a pastor, who knew full well of my ‘Great Fall,’ for two years; to be in any leadership while healing from my actions, but was practically asked every weekend to step up-until a family who left my father’s church, joined mine, and apparently had a problem with my “freedom.”

I was told several weeks ago that my sister, whom is looking for a job, was told of a position open at the Christian university that she and I, as well as my entire immediate family, graduated from. She applied and later received a general email, that all rejected candidates receive, telling her that the position was filled. Later, she was told of another position available at the university, of which I couldn’t share my taboos for fear of death by rock, she applied and later received a personal email from an administrator at the school (of whom I worked closely with as President of the Student Body) letting her know that she was not selected for the position and to please stop applying for any other positions at the university because she will not be accepted for those either, due to her ‘last name,’ which happens to be the same as none other than yours truly! We did find out that when she applied to attend this same university a few months later for her second masters degree, they would happily allow it, aka-take her money.

I guess my point in sharing this is that it is still there and we need to examine ourselves. We need to be like the woman who fell at Jesus feet pouring her best—weeping and washing His feet with her hair. Why did she do this? Because of the incredible forgiveness that she experienced. There was so much forgiveness, so she had much love to show. I’m sure if anyone came to this woman with any sin, struggle, addiction, or problem the last thing she would be thinking about is politics or risk management, but of how much her Lord loved her to forgive her of so much and begin to point to Him in her words and actions.

If it’s this easy for churches and Christian institutions to reject a man and his family (who have invested time, love, loyalty, faith, and money into them) because of one public sin that happened four years ago, and forget the good then how can they even begin to accept and forgive someone who doesn’t know the Lord and full of their taboos? Who remembers David and Bathsheba without remembering that he was a man after God’s own heart?

Please, if I have offended you, forgive me. Know that this university changed my life for the better and everyone connected to it. Know that I love this pastor and his wife, whom I sat under and know that one districts decision doesn’t reflect the entire institution and was possibly due to risk management only. At the same time, PLEASE , church—listen to the Spirit of God. You are representing Christ Himself and remember that part of the ministry of Christ was to fight the enemy and expose him. We only help his purpose when giving in to politics and taboos. Please help me Break the Hush!

**To one of the strongest women I know! You are solid and a powerhouse. You are an example to your daughters and to those you mentor. Thank you for showing me a spiritual balance and always being very real with me. Most importantly, thank you for your unshakable love and acceptance. I could not have done this without you! I love you and miss you!
Happy Gift Day, Shanell Lynette Quinney-Deats

Dutch Sheets wrote a little book called, “God’s Timing for Your Life.” In it, he describes the two different New Testament words for time. The Greek word ‘chronos’ refers to the general process of time, or chronological time. ‘Kairos’ refers to the right time, the opportune time or strategic time, the now time. Sheets states, ‘Kairos in many ways is an extension or continuation of chronos. As the process of God’s plan unfolds, chronos becomes kairos. Kairos, the opportune time, is literally born of chronos the general time…you must understand the [chronos time] is part of a bigger picture. If you press on, doing what is necessary in these general times, the process will shift into a kairos season of reaping. Galatians 6:9 says, let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time (Kairos) we shall reap if we do not grow weary.”

Reading this couldn’t’ have come at a better time (pun intended!) Something has been burning in my spirit the past few weeks. It is basically that hope for my future. The kairos in my life from sowing during the chronos, you know the feeling, when you know it’s just around the corner. The promises, dreams, hopes, and visions you have been waiting for while sowing!

Chronos time is something everyone in prison has a good perspective on. Unfortunately, kairos time is what several men in here give up on. They become institutionalized. Each meal is now called “chow.” No one any longer walks with a sense of purpose. Standards and morals are lowered. But God’s promises hold time and though our “chronos” times can grow weary, hold on because at just the right time-kairos-we shall reap!

Sheets uses an illustration of a man names Dutton. “No one imagined Dutton would ever amount to anything, for he spent many years imprisoned for manslaughter. When asked how he managed to make such a remarkable transition, this now successful Broadway star replied, ‘Unlike the other prisoners, I never decorated my cell.’ Dutton never settled. He knew there would be a kairos after and through his chronos.

I am preparing myself for my kairos as God has promised and will no longer call my meals by any other name other than breakfast, lunch, and dinner. As I walk to my destination I will walk with a purpose and in preparation of my kairos I will NOT decorate my cell!

For some reason, the Lord always puts people in my life who tend to see Him as black and white.  Usually analytical thinkers who lean, if not dwell on, the cynical and critical side. Well, on the other hand, I like to pitch my tent on the “there’s good in everyone” side! I’m not a very analytical thinker and really take things at face value. I do understand that there is a balance between the two and do my best to walk that line! However, when it comes to God, I have found Him to be so much more than black and white!

His Word, to me, is alive, all woven together with truths and even mysteries, songs, war, sacrifice and most importantly-Love! But, how often do some of our black and white thinkers get side tracked with the ‘do’s and don’ts,’ and proving points that they so often, like the Pharisees, forget to Love!

What about His Spirit? What is black and white about Him? His gifts and manifestations? I have found that if you put God in a box He will give you those same boundaries, and if you make Him black and white, He will give you black and white. But, if you see God, His Word, His Spirit as a prism, clothed in rainbows of living color, He too will be a God of living color and show you things beyond any of our minds can analyze!

In a previous blog, I wrote about giving thanks in all situations – I Thessalonians 5:16.  Well, just yesterday I was tested! It was Sunday and Sundays are probably my busiest days here at the Gurney Unit. I’m a church worker involved in worship and volunteer with the baptismal services. In prison, we don’t do anything without being allowed or told to do it first. I’ve always tended to be submissive to authority due to my fear of rejection, so it isn’t a problem for me;)
Well, yesterday they failed to call our dorm out for church. Church workers would usually be called out around 7:30am then church around 8am – at around 8:45 I asked if they called out church and I was told ‘a long time ago,’ and then was told that it was okay to head to the gym for service. When I got there, I didn’t see anyone from my building – knowing that ‘a long time ago’ church was never called in our dorm. The guard at the door refused to let me in because of my tardiness – even though it was not my fault. Therefore, I was back to my dorm with a bad attitude. Immediately I was reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:16 and “the fleas!” As I began to give God thanks, He showed me my heart towards that guard and I began to pray for him. Luke 6:27-28 – “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hurt you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” You know, Jesus really knew what He was talking about! Not only did that guard receive a petition to God for a true and real revelation of His love, but my resentment, anger, and bitterness harbored by me had seemed to be alleviated and was replaced with a peace and a love for that man’s soul that could only be given by the Lover of All Souls!

**To a man that has impacted me in the past few years as much as I him. Thank you for showing me that God still has a purpose in my life and allowing a broken and repentant man to pour into yours, finding healing and forgiveness! To a man that has been called and chosen and entrusted with advancing the kingdom of God! Justin, I love you and wish you the best birthday so far and many more to come! **

**To my ‘BEST ROOMMATE EVER’! A man who didn't make excuses but opportunities. Seek God in continuing to find that balance! I love you and miss you!

Welcome to 30, Raymond Brett Mizelle!**