breaking the hush

Who am I that God would speak to me? Speak through me? Show me God, what part of me is keeping me from seeing your face? What impurities? Break me and burn me! Kill this flesh! I wake up, longing to die! To see your face! What else matters? The walls that contain me are the walls I want, no, I need you to fill! Every crack and crevice! Bring repentance –show me what to sacrifice, what to lay at the altar and kill! Only dead men can see your face. Even now, I think of all I must surrender, and I declare, “It’s worth it!” To see the face of God, the Creator, the I AM! Show me the degree of sacrifice I must make to be able to kiss your cheek! I am not even happy with just seeing you – I must touch my lips to your cheek. Repentance=Brokenness=Purity=Intimacy. Kill me!

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” –John 3:30

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

Today wasn’t the greatest day. I began to lose focus on my purpose here. I began to look at the size of the giant and not the size of the prize. Needless to say, my giant looked impossible to defeat, but then I got a letter, which seemed to be perfect timing. “Did you know that you minister to me every single day? I think about you every day, man. The darkness that we both shared is consumed and held at bay with the light that you shone into my life, and every time I think about something that you said, or just your example, I think about it. I change my mind. I DON’T DO IT!”

Thank you friend! for showing me the prize. You! You and several others! Thousands, maybe millions, I only hope and pray! I love you! YOU are worth it!

My giant seems a little smaller today and my prize, one person greater!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

My friend died today ~ you killed him. You didn’t pull a trigger or cut him up, but you killed him the same. You wanted your “punishment” and your $300 a day, all while keeping him from his chemo! What? You didn’t want to pay the cost of the treatment? Well who has paid the ultimate cost now? Was his life worth it? Your 98% convictions and $300 a day – was it? You cry “JUSTICE!” Well, where is HIS justice? Who gets put on trial for HIS death? Where is HIS victim impact statement? I hope you’re happy! I hope you spend that money wisely- we know you didn’t spend it on him! Keeping him locked up the last four months of his life for what? A probation revocation? Missing a few classes and being behind on payments? Take this as a lesson-if you pick someone up from a hospital they probably need to be in the hospital- shame on you for cutting his life short- Shame on you!

Ben, I won’t forget our last conversation and I will NEVER take for granted the people God has put in my life! You’re right, I am blessed!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

Part of my daily reading-

“God keeps every promise He makes. He is like a shield for all who seek His protection! If you claim that He said something that He never said, He will reprimand you and show that you are a liar”

~Proverbs 30:5-6 (Good News Translation)

Ooops! My Bad!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

I heard some news today that got me thinking—of course I’ve been “thinking” a lot lately but this thinking led to anger! All part of the process I suppose. First, I was angry with the “system” – a specific system and the people in charge of it ~ how can institutions get away with the things they do? Where are the advocates? No one becomes an advocate because they must go through the “system” to catch on and then by the time they escape the grip of the talons, they want nothing to do with the beast! So they stay away, not to get trapped again!

Then my anger turned from “the system” to God – the all knowing, all-controlling God. I questioned Him – Why God? What happened? What about your promises? Then I questioned myself – did I hear right? Did I hear Him at all? Do I recognize His voice? But I DID hear Him and I DO recognize His voice! So those promises…what happened? He lied!? God lied to me!? I don’t want any more promises! I was sure! Like I know my own salvation, I was sure! He lied! Can God lie? Am I just trying to fit all this into my little mind? Well, in that little mind, He lied~ I love Him but where are His promises now? He knows my heart-no point in hiding it! Did you lie God? Why speak to me? For momentary hope? What about your promises now? You are too big God – beyond my understanding - I DON’T GET YOU! But, I don’t think I want your promises – keep them. My human being can’t handle another broken promise!

Breaking the hush,

Shawn

I don't really know what to feel, how to feel. if to feel!  I don't have an appetite, I want to sleep but I can't, I don't want to think but that's all that is happening.  I don't want to question God, but just trust Him - I can't dwell on "what if's" or regrets.  I can only look forward - move forward. 

Move forward in a world so unknown to me.  I'm a foreigner, alien...Hope?  Faith?  Are you there?  What is this?  Despair?  Depression?  Shock?  How do I do it?  The unknown?  How will I do it?  Who am I?  What am I?  How did I get here? 

Lord, show me your promises because I can't see them.  I mean, I know they are there, but it seems like such a distance.  So far away.  What is for today?  Who is for today?  All of this for souls?  What else?  What's left?  When does the reward come?  Does suffering stop?  Ever?  Forever...a long time...this life is short.  Our lives are short!  God, how much time do I have?  How much time do they have?  Souls?  What do I do?  What can I do?  Did it have to be this?  When will I touch again?  Feel physical love?  Who will love me?  How can they love me? 

Shawn

*This blog was written right after Shawn recieved his 20 year sentence*