breaking the hush

I was sharing my story with a guy in county last month and he with me. We were talking about our addictions, and he told me something that hit home. He said that wanted to quit drugs, but the simple fact that it didn’t end on his terms, scared him that he would go back. It’s like he knew that he would, that there was more to try before quitting! This resounded in my Spirit. Besides the effects of our addictions, I realized that we had something else in common. I know that II Timothy 1:7 tells us that we don’t have a “spirit of fear,” but at the same time, I realize that I am afraid of returning to an addiction that stunted my spiritual growth and put me where I am today. My thought process is not far from my friend’s. I am afraid. Why? Because honestly, sometimes I wonder how those sites I used to view have progressed? In the years I have not viewed them, what’s new? This is me being real with you! I’m hoping that by sharing this, it breaks something in me; as well as showing you how real addiction can be, no matter what you have been through. I know that God is in the miracle working business, but unfortunately recovering from my addiction has always been progressive and never instantaneous!

Several of you probably don’t get it and probably never will. In fact, unless you have struggled with you own addiction or studied enough behavioral psychology; you may never get it, but believe me when I say that it’s not as easy as “just quit.” It’s not just a bad habit like biting your nails—it’s an ADDICTION! For addicts, even though they may be concerned about how the addiction is/can/will affect their friends/family/life, they can’t “just quit!”

I think Paul puts it best--“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And of I do what I do not want to do, I agree the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” Romans 7:15-19.

There is hope, but only if there is a will to sacrifice. As an addict, I must be willing and capable of murder. I MUST kill my flesh. All of it! God give me strength!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

One of the first letters written to me while in county jail was from a friend that has been delivered from a drug addiction, who spent time herself incarcerated. I will never forget something that she wrote to me in that first letter. She told me about her being filled with the Spirit while washing dishes, as a trustee. Then she said, “Isn’t it funny…all everyone wants is to get out of there and Jesus just wanted in.” I think about that almost everyday, that no matter what I “feel”, see, or hear; or how badly I want to be free, to choose the people I surround myself with, to be able to choose where I go to church, really just to be able to choose anything, He is still there. Well, the past few weeks, I have been yearning for a move of the Spirit. I wanted to not just know,  but “feel” Him. Probably selfish of me, but I wanted it so bad I asked for it. For those of you that don’t know, I have a Pentecostal background, so I am very comfortable and used to the manifestation of the ‘gifts of the Spirit’ as lived out for the church in I Corinthians 12:4-11. Well, today I told God that I know He is here and I know that He is limited to no location, temple, house, church; He is not limited to any building and that He lives in me and several other men behind this fence and in these dorms, and I want His Spirit to manifest Himself today. How God never ceases to amaze me! After my tantrum, I went to church and was slapped in the face with the goodness of Him. A couple came to minister that reminded me of when Tommy and Karen Drumm would visit FFI! There were men speaking in tongues, visions, prophecy, addictions called out and broken, and supernatural healings, all behind these walls. Thank you God and thank you Kayce for reminding me that no matter how much we want out, He loves to dwell wherever we are!

*To Kayce and Cory, congratulations on beginning a new life together! --Sorry I couldn’t be there:(*

*To the woman who gave this ‘shepherd boy’ a chance. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of such a dynamic ministry and helping me grow into the king God sees! I love and miss you. Happy Birthday, Ms. Robins! *

You know, I’ve gotten to experience a lot of things over the past week and a half that I haven’t had in seven months. When in a county jail, you basically stay in one room 24/7. In the one I was in, even the recreation room was directly connected to the dorm, so there was no movement outside. When going to court, there was a tunnel connecting the jail to the courthouse that we walked through, still depriving us of the sun and fresh air. It wasn’t until I left to go to “big boy prison” that I was able to step outside and breath in fresh cut grass and morning dew. We rode in a van and it was the most comfortable seat I had had in seven months. You see, everything in jail is metal-tables, stools, benches, etc. During the ride we got to listen to the radio –ah, music! There was a country song playing that was so appropriate for us convicts, “What was I thinking?”  During the ride I saw the sun rise – a beautiful orange and pink sky as we drove south – it took everything inside me to keep from crying.
As the days went on, I realized how much better prison, as opposed to county, really is! I go outside everyday several times a day. On my way to the library last week I even got to feel raindrops on my skin! It was surreal! Today, I went to commissary for the first time in prison-in the county commissary, you are limited to nonperishable dried goods and hygiene. Well, in prison, you can buy entire loaves of bread, jars of peanut butter and jelly, ice-cold sodas, and of course my favorite, ice cream! Today I indulged in my first pint, in what seems like an eternity! Did I enjoy it? Yes, very much so, but the entire time I ate, I could only thank God for putting so much into perspective in my life. The ice cream was sweet, so much it almost made me sick, but the lessons I am learning are sweeter. I thank Him for teaching me how to appreciate the small things, as well as the big things, even the option of choosing a birthday card for your mom and not have some manly, unattractive, dull card chosen for you, that that ice cream would have been a thousand times more enjoyed if it was being shared by Angie at the movies, or even my dog at home.
For those of you that read this, please think of me when you open your next ice cold soda, or share your next spoonful of ice cream with a loved one or even your dogJ Take advantage of the time you have with those friends and family-hug their neck an extra time today, put a piece of ice in the dogs water bowl, or just tell that friend, spouse, sister, parent, how much you love them once more. Do it for me. Make sure not to take one person, food, smell, favorite thing, for granted today! Then thank God for those things, that you will get to experience them for a long time coming, and I will thank Him for you, and the hope that I have in my physical freedom to one day enjoy those simple things in life again-never forgetting how sweet they are.

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

I always love my mom’s birthday! I think it’s because I’m a giver and no matter what I give her, she acts like it was a million dollars! She acts like it was the one thing she wanted that she has been waiting for her entire life! Though, usually, it consists of a treat basket of her favorites – last year it was a bag of twizzlers, black olives, marshmallow cream, candy corn, and diet cokes all put in a plant potter she has been wanting to match the living room, tied with a birthday balloon and a card! To her, it might as well have been a million dollars, or at least that’s what she makes me think.

Being in here, it’s hard to show my love language of giving, so I will do what I can and write down my love for my mom for the world to read! Am I a mamma’s boy? Of course! Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my dad, but there’s something about a relationship between a mom and her only son. She’s told me a story of how, when she was pregnant with me, she and my dad would pray so earnestly for a boy. During this time, God spoke to her and told her that if I was a girl, I would live a good, easy life and love Him, but if I were a boy that there would be a special anointing over my life, but my life would be hard, but it would be worth what God would do through me and how He would use me. At the time, I don’t think mom really knew what “hard” meant. But even after now knowing, I thank her for choosing a boy. First, I couldn’t imagine living my life as a woman, no offense ladies. Secondly, this “hard” life of mine is only making me stronger –drawing me closer to God, Himself! For this, I love my mother, and don’t want her or my father to doubt for one second the decision they made to continue praying for a son. In fact, I thank mom for praying for me ever since! I know that she calls my name before the Great I Am everyday. This means more to me than kissing away all my boo-boos, all the taxi rides, and homework help over the years! It’s really hard for me to express my love for mom in words. So, I pray for her today, on her birthday, that God will do something special for her, because that’s all I can do. I can’t give a million dollars, a goodie basket, a hug, or even a call or text. But, what I can do is bring her name before the Almighty Great I Am. I pray that He would give her peace and hope for our future! I thank Him for giving me another year with that special woman!

I love you, mom, more than you could ever know! Thank you for showing me a mother’s love and being there every step of the way. I look forward to so many more years. See what God is going to do through your son because of these prayers. Have a wonderful, peaceful, joy-filled birthday.

Your, “thanking God you chose a boy”, son,

Shawn

This past week I have been feeling really “Blah” and a little overwhelmed with my circumstances and incredibly tired of jail. The same everything for over 6 months-room, people, food, routine! I needed something different, something to keep me growing. Chapel service in this county jail is all done through a satellite room located in our tank. Basically, the chaplain holds a service downstairs for the ladies or trustees and it is fed live to that room though a monitor. I went today and the Lord did something special. Stephanie, the senior chaplain and the one I know is filled with the Spirit; spoke on God’s Word and how perfect it is. She said that it does not change and will not return void (Isaiah 55:10-11), how He is a shield for those who seek His protection (Psalm 18:30 & II Sam. 22:31), and then she said something that I needed to hear – “God is not overwhelmed by His plan for you and He is beyond time.” Did I know all of this? Yes! Did I need to hear them, bury them in my heart and wrap my spirit around them specifically today? Definitely! She then played a worship video of something like Hillsong or CFNI and they sang a song titled, “You Are Worthy of Affection.” I began to cry because it was as if for those few moments, the Lord gave me a reprieve from jail and allowed me to step into the worship service; a small thing that we as church-going Christians may take for granted on a weekly basis. Thank you God, for showing your goodness to me and letting me know that you care about our smallest needs, and know what it takes to meet them. I thank you God, for you are worthy of all my affection! Faithful are you Lord!

Sometimes I wish I was more of a reader in order to have a better vocabulary, or even if I was bilingual and spoke words that were richer or sweeter than the English language, then I might be able to express my true feelings for all of you – those friends, family, and even strangers that read and comment on this site. You have no idea how God is not only using this site for others, but as well to encourage me through your words. I would love to address each of you, and maybe someday that will be possible, but for now, be assured that every one of your messages are being relayed to me. So in this I may be selfish, but I ask that as you read my story, book segments, or blogs, and have time – send me a note through email or comment. Please know that I truly care and want to hear from you. If you know mw, but it’s been a while, I’m still just Shawn. If you know me now, I miss you and “Holla at ya, Yo!” Finally, of you don’t know me, I want to know you! Again, my words can’t express my gratitude for you! Thank you for helping me kick the enemy in the face by breaking the hush and feel free to begin sharing your own story and experience freedom!

Breaking the Hush Together,

Shawn

I’m obviously starting a new chapter in my life, only to finalize the last one, by having everything I own moved out of my apartment this past weekend. (A special shout out to Uncle Ronny, Robert (Happy Birthday), Trevor, Tracy, Andrea and mom for making this happen without a hitch! And of course, Dad, the chief! Thank you for your sacrificial time and energy!)

Most people would probably be saddened to have made your house a home, leaving one day expecting to return, only to never see it again. Well, because I know this is a new chapter and I have learned how to trust GOD 100%, it is kind of exciting! You know, where will I live next? What will I be doing? How will God use this? It’s exciting!

Will I miss it? Yes! I loved the hard wood floors, the 6 inch baseboards, all the natural light from the picture windows and even the slightly botched ceramic tile job I did in the bathroom (nothing that can’t be hidden by a contouringJ.) Most importantly, I will miss that it was mine! I worked hard to make that little place my home and created several memories while doing so:

~The sibling bonding between my sisters and I while moving that darn fridge (and everything else) up that tight stairwell – you ladies are hosses!

~Spending HOURS/DAYS painting every inch of every wall, while jamming to Michael Jackson. (thanks for the help, Shanell.)

~Sleeping in full winter garb, due to minimal heaters, and coming home to a brand new A/C window unit after suffering my first summer months. (Thanks Dad-the gift of A/C compares to no other!)

~”Chuck” nights and impromptu Thanksgiving dinner with Angie

~Dinner party with the Badders!

~Movie night and pizza with Justin

~”Borrowing” the neighbors wireless to watch the “Glee” episode that the DVR cut off with Andrea

~Transitioning Adelaide (Adee) from doggy door to holding it – enough said!

So, it’s kind of bittersweet – I’ll miss my home but will always have the memories and, of course, with all God has in store-it can only get sweeter!

There’s a saying in here, “You’re not doing this alone, your people are doing it right along with you.” ‘Your people’ being those that love and care for you, close friends and family. You know it really puts things into perspective. Here I am, getting to sleep in everyday, write my little heart out, read, eat, and go back to sleep! No worries! When I have a sister out that that created, and keeps up this website, just packed and cleaned every inch of my apartment, organized it and found a storage to hold it, as cheap as possible until my release. I have friends and extended family (that I haven’t seen in years) that will be driving hours this weekend just to help move all my belongings into that storage. I have a father who has taken on all the burden of my finances (car note, storage, etc) to the point of looking for a job just to help, so I can have some resemblance of a normal life when I get out, with all my things in tact. Also, there’s my mom, who leaves for work every morning praying for God to keep her baby safe, and to bring him home quickly-when everything she sees reminds her of me, but tries to focus on her tasks at hand, and not break into tears. Then, of course, my other sister, a single mom of four, who for the past six months hasn’t neglected to make one visit, seeing me twice each week, no matter how hectic her own schedule! And, of course, friends that can no longer pick up the phone and ask to meet up for a cup of coffee (@ The Bridge in particularJ.) Friends, who have sacrificed their own time to visit, send encouraging words and even money, lots of it! One friend, who is even without a car, but puts enough money on my phone and books to equal a small car payment. So you see, it’s not only me doing time. In fact, my ‘time’ may even be easier. For all of ‘my people’ that are doing it with me, I can’t thank you enough, but I can tell you that someday, you will see the reward of your love and sacrifice. It’s gonna be worth it!!

*To the one person that I think really understands me when I say that I love Jesus more than I love ice cream! Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Forever! I love and miss you Kristin-Have a wonderful birthday!!*

You know, I wasn’t going to blog today because I didn’t want to bring attention to my birthday. I usually don’t tell people because I don’t want it to be a big deal-don’t get me wrong, I love parties, but the problem comes when they party’s focus is on me. I think that there is such overwhelming gratitude in my heart that I don’t ever feel like I could know how to express it. (I don’t want it to seem canned or insincere.) Or I never thought my life was worth celebrating. So, I like to keep it small and intimate. But, I feel I owe it to those that do know, how I coped today. I tried to let it pass as just another day, but no matter how hard I tried to forget, I couldn’t. Then I began to think of how old I turned and where my life is. I remembered more of my story-when I was young, I would wish so many times that I would have never been born. I was so lost and hopeless. I knew my struggles-my mind was tormented, believing I was “born gay”- and I thought I knew what the church and God felt about that, and I couldn’t live with myself. It was hard, very hard! I then remembered at another point in my life, I felt I had royally messed up, hurt people, ruined my witness, and destroyed the call God had for me, causing me to have no hope in living, I pleaded with God to kill me.

Today, I received a comment from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. Some of her words were verbatim of a vision my mother had of my future just a few months prior, and they both confirmed the call God instilled in my heart twelve years ago! Lauren’s words were a special gift from God today, and that it still holds true. Knowing how close I did come to giving up and even death, made me realize how thankful I am for life, no matter my age and where I may fit in the suicidal status quo. So, today I turn 30 and see a man with a future full of blessing, adventure, anointing, and hope, thriving on my purpose and loving life to the fullest. Who knows-maybe I’ll even have a party next year!

Happy Birthday to Me,

Shawn

I was praying last night, more specifically, for my mom. Several times, I have thought that this may be harder on her emotionally than even myself! It could be because I’m her baby, and for any mothers out there, you may get it, or maybe it’s just because I’m a man and she’s a woman-you know, more emotional. For whatever reason, it just is! There have been two conversations that I have recently had with her that stick out to me. The first was that she wanted credit for souls as well from my story. I told her that without her and dad, there would be no me, and therefore, no story and no souls. I don’t think that was good enough for her! In the second conversation, she mentioned that while I was behind nard, growing spiritually over the next few months/years, who couldn’t there be crazy growth within them on the outside as well? So, this was my prayer – that through the spiritual growth of my family (however it may come, breakthrough is on its way) that there will be souls, to not my credit, but theirs (for you cynics out there, I know my credit, but theirs, (for you cynics out there, I know ALL credit goes to God! Now, can we move on?) I then asked God to show mom how he constantly cares for me, to bring peace, and that in these next few years/months of tribulation are just that, and they will not even compare to the rest of our family’s lifetime of joy!

Well, on the phone tonight, Mom told me that she woke up knowing that I was praying. There was a peace. She then began to tell me how she was trying to decide on a classroom pet (she is a first grade teacher and all of the classes decided to get a class pet) that was in her budget-FREE! Today, a sanitation worker at her school was asking if she knew of anyone that would like a turtle. She had six that she was trying to get rid of. My mother jumped on that and after the woman described how neat it was to watch the ‘mating dance,’ she took two.J And for being the first customer, the lady threw in the aquarium and all the necessities for the low price of Free! The Lord showed her today, hat if He cares enough about her desires for something as small as a free, low maintenance class pet, and enough to give those turtles a home, then how much more did He care about meeting her desires concerning her some and the big things?! So, the Lord didn’t only bring my mom a class pet today, He gave her turtles and peace!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn