breaking the hush

The longer I’m in here, the more growth I see in me and the more I understand. But, there’s a point where I would ask God, “Did it really have to happen this way? Couldn’t I have learned these things in a church? What about a bible study? Prison, really? Isn’t that a little extreme? And what about that person? Did I really need to happen this way? Couldn’t I have learned these things in a church? What about a bible study? Prison, really? Isn’t that a little extreme? And what about that person? Did I really need him in my life to teach me that? Oswald Chambers writes in reference to Colossians 1:24, “And now I am happy about my sufferings for you, for by means of my physical sufferings I am helping to complete what still remains of Christ’s sufferings on behalf of his body, the church” and Isaiah 6:8, “Then I heard the Lord say, ‘Whom shall I send? Who will be our messenger?’ I answered, ‘I will go! Send me!’”

“This call has nothing to do with personal sanctification, but with being made broken-bread and poured-out wine. God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with. If God would only use His own fingers, and make me broken-bread and poured-out wine in a special way! But, when He uses someone whom we dislike, or some set of circumstances to which we said we would never submit, and makes those crushers, we object…if we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed: you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed…we have to be adjusted into God before we can be broken bread in His hands. Keep right with God, and let Him do what He likes, and you will find that He is producing the kind of bread and wine that will benefit His other children!”

So, the growth may not always come about the way we want or think, but remember the purpose of the crushing. And when you say, “Here I am, send me,” know and understand what you are saying. Don’t be like a marble and try to escape when He uses the fingers He wants, but submit and obey and see how you will benefit His Kingdom. I can’t wait!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

It’s hard to believe that it was only two months ago that I was sitting in this same bunk, weeping, writing a blog full of hopelessness, and despair. A lot of times, when we mention miracles, what comes to mind is people leaping from wheel chairs or deaf ears and blind eyes being opened. Maybe even finding a check in the mail for the exact amount of the bills for the month. We tend to focus on our physical circumstances and say, “God, heal my legs, I want to walk’ or, ‘Lord, teach me how to budget, let me be wise in my spending, and a good steward of what you have given me, that you can trust me with more.”

You see, two months ago, I was focused on my physical circumstance. I was saying, “Why me God, where are Your promises? Show me the miracles you promised and let me walk over crumbled walls a free man.” Well, God has worked a miracle in my life. Have my physical circumstances changed? No, but in the past two months, God has restored my hope and turned my despair into praise. He has done a deep, inner healing, unexplainable by the English vocabulary. You see, walls have crumbled! Physically? No, but walls just the same, and I am walking over them a free man!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

“So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water.” Matthew 14:29-30 (Good News Translation)

Have you ever been to the point where, like Peter, you trusted God so much that you too were able to step out of the boat? To walk on water? Have you ever trusted Him that much? I mean trust with your LIFE?! Your FUTURE?!

A few months ago I got a letter from a friend, she wrote, “Lately, the Lord has really been dealing with me on TRUSTING Him…completely. It’s easy to say, ‘yes, of course I trust you, duh,’ But do I really trust Him completely…100%…in every. single. situation. no. matter. how. big. or small.” She is so right and hit it head on! I was one of those people that would say, “yes, of course I trust you, duh!” But in the journey I’m on now, that trust has been tested. Honestly, I went from “yes, of course I trust you, duh!” to “I don’t know,” to “how can I,” to finally where I stand now, “How CAN’T I? I now feel that until you step out onto that water with “trust” and then in the midst of the storm, with the wind blowing, rain pounding, and thunder rolling, you begin to sink and die, God reaches out, even though you lost focus, maybe even lost trust for a minute, and when you come out of that storm, in your Father’s arms –That is when you know that you TRUST Him…completely…100%…in. every. single. situation. no. matter. how. big. or small!

*To the only lady I know that can share her heart for God, family, and teddy bears with perfect balance, and to the one who showed me how attainable seeing the face of God really is! I love you and Happy Birthday Celina and Ruby!!!*

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

“You cannot be a slave of two masters; you will hate one and love the other; You will be loyal to one and despise the other.
--Matthew 6:24a

Are you trying to serve two masters? Webster defines a master as “one in control.” What controls your life? Is it your thoughts, behaviors, emotions? Maybe money, relationships, pride, food, sports? You see, it may not be as obvious as something like drugs, alcohol, or pornography, but it’s no different.

As a recovering porn addict, I know what it means to be enslaved to something other then THE Master. The ironic think is when you start to serve The Master and you let go of what masters you, The Master sets you free.

“To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the same sense that he has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind…He wants us in the relationship in which He is easily Master without our conscious knowledge of it all, all we know is that we are His to obey.”

 --Oswald Chambers
My Utmost for His Highest

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

     In a previous blog titled, “Don’t forget the Lyrics,” I made a reference to Paul and Silas in prison, singing, bruised, beaten, and shackled.  I also made reference that I wasn’t beaten, bruised, or shackled, but still expected my miracle, even though no cinder blocks have fallen.  This weekend I was watching the news, and saw that there was an earthquake smack dab in the middle of Texas! Not JUST in Texas, but the very town where those cinder blocks are keeping me from the “free world.” It wasn’t a huge earthquake. Not enough to crumble these walls, but it was enough to crumble my spirit before the Almighty I Am! The Lord showed me that, YES, He is that big, and that great; that if He wanted, He could shake the earth where it has never shaken before, just for me; and to keep expecting that miracle. It’s NOT over!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

There’s someone special in my life that I want to give honor to today! This person is the dictionary definition of “friend.” In fact, I have told her several times that there is no one as good of friend to her, as she is to them. Sure, you may have to wait on her a few minutes here and there, she may forget an appointment, or even lose your spare house key in her purse, car, bedroom, etc.  But, when it comes to someone to lean on when you can’t stand, cry with when your life has been turned upside down AGAIN, laugh at when you’re feeling crazy, and feel loved when you are unlovable, you can always count on her. Thank you friend, for being an extension of Christ’s hand in my life. For emotional, spiritual, physical, and even financial support when most needed. We may never marry, which will crush many hopes, (sorry mom), but you will forever be in my life! Happy Birthday Angie!

I was reading the other day in Romans and something stuck out to me – Chapter 5 verse 20b says, “Where sin increased, God’s grace increased much more.” There is never so much sin that there is not enough of God’s grace to cover it. In fact, I feel those of us that have lived in sin, and were slaves to it for so long, understand it that much more when we become free by God’s grace and mercy. Not that you don’t understand, if you were born and raised in church, were saved at age 7. But it’s the fact, knowing that you were heading in such a wrong direction that you could almost finish telling the story of your life without Christ. When you’re that close to eternal separation from Him, you tend to maybe appreciate His deliverance that much more! “Where sin increased, God’s grace increased that much more.” Tomorrow will be twelve years that God filled my heart with hope and because of my desire for more, put His hands on my chest and filled me with the Holy Spirit. Since that day, He has never stopped his jaw-dropping love for me! Over the past twelve years, I have seen where I could/would be without Him and how much mercy He has shown for me to be where I am today! It was twelve years ago that I told Him that my life was His to do with as He wanted, and seeing where I am today, I would still never change my decision. Would I still be in jail? Maybe not. Would I be free, living a lie? Definitely! So, tomorrow, on my spiritual birthday, away from my friends and family, in my prayer closet (lying on my bunk, under my sheets) I will remember that day, 12 years ago, when my doubts, fears, and hopelessness became love, hope, and peace!

Thank you Dr. Jones, for listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit even though it seemed like such an odd message for a Christian University. And thank you to all those who allowed me to interrupt your study groups, prayer sessions, and game nights as I banged on doors, and ran down halls telling of what the Spirit had done for me that evening!

Most importantly, I thank You God, for being so real to me that day and where my heart was so full of sin, Your grace increased so much more!

*To the man who never ceased to astound me with his love for others, as well as S’more pop tarts, and to the man who inspired me with profound wisdom as well as comic relief. Have a wonderful birthday Gabe and Daniel! I love you!*

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

Last night at lights out, I laid my head down on my makeshift pillow, closed my eyes, and then heard a roll of thunder before falling asleep! I’m assuming that it stormed, because it was extremely hard to get up today and it smells like rain!  With all of Texas burning the past few months, it has to be a tremendous relief to those in Bastrop, Possum Kingdom, and several other regions across the state. I’m assuming, that even the people in those areas, that would normally be fearful or distressed during a storm, realize the benefit now, and at one point, were probably praying for one. Kind of like in our lives, at least in mine. A storm can be a hard thing, something we don’t want because of fear, or uncertainty of the damage the storm may create. We don’t look at the benefits of the storm before we begin to experience it. When we start to see the cracked dry ground guzzle gallons at a time, the holes turn back into lakes, and the fired scorched, we are actually grateful for what once we would have fret. When we see the effects of the storm, we begin to dance in the midst. Then, take even more comfort in knowing that God can calm the storm before one tree is ripped from the earth, or one house is sent to Oz.

The next time you find yourself caught in the middle of a storm, remember that they come from a reason, and some we may not see until after it’s over. Maybe it’s to build your faith, bring you closer to Him, or to be able to help others through your experience. Whatever it may be, dance in the midst of your storm, knowing that He is in control – He is the rain maker, the wind blower, and the storm calmer at just the right time.

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

My spirit has been full of songs lately! From old hyms to the newest comtemporary! This is odd because, if anyone knows me, they know I can’t remember lyrics to save my life – but I try – or I make them up! How can I be singing? Well, I guess it’s like Paul and Silas, who praised God with shackled limbs and beaten and bruised backs. Fortunately, I’m not beaten and bruised (physically atleast) and I’m able to move freely behind these four walls. There hasn’t been any earthquake or crumbling down of cinderblocks. Not to say I’m not still expecting MY miracle!

Beth Moore puts it best in her book, “Get Out of that Pit,”

“Having a new song in our mouths doesn’t mean we’re completely out of the pain that caused our pit or the pain that our pit caused. It doesn’t even mean, if ours was a pit of sin, that all the consequences are necessarily behind us. It just means we’re no longer stuck. No longer defeated. No longer caked in mud. Our vision is returning. It’s a new day, God doesn’t hate us after all, and we can’t help but praise. The wind is blowing in our faces once again and once more hope springs eternal.”

You see, God has filled my pit and didn’t stop there. He filled it and continued to form a mountain on top! Needless to say, I am out of that”pit” and now stand at the base of my mountain and am on my way, starting to climb! During my journey, as the band plays on in my head, and I try to remember the lyrics, the best how they were originally intended, I will continue to sing, for God has put a new song in my heart!

“I waited patiently for the Lords help;

then He listened to me and heard my cry.

He pulled me out of a dangerous pit,

Out of the deadly quick sand.

He set me safely on a rock and made me secure.

He taught me to sing a new song,

A song og praise to our God.

Many who see this will take warning

And will put their trust in the Lord.”

~Psalms 40:1-3 (Good News Translation)

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn

Don’t feel sorry for me, or pity me. I see what He’s doing. I’m getting it…like Paul, “I reckon my own life to be worth nothing…” Don’t pity me, because even thought my body may be in prison, my Spirit has never been more free. In fact, it is I who feel sorry for you. That most of you reading this don’t know what true freedom is. You continue to walk the streets, but your spirit is held captive. I wrote a song a few years ago that means more to me now than ever!

I have more freedom than the waves in the ocean

I have more freedom than the stars in the sky

I have more freedom than the breeze in the spring time

Freer than the birds that fly so high!

So, don’t feel sorry for or pity me, it is I who will be praying for you to experience the freedom that I now have!

Breaking the Hush,

Shawn