breaking the hush

I don’t get it! I mean, I DO get it, but I don t! I heard of a friend that recently revealed himself to be a homosexual. Not only that he is gay, but in a relationship with another man. Okay, this part, honestly I understand. You know attraction to the same sex. What I don’t understand is that this man I believe is still claiming to be a Christian? Now, my understanding of a Christian is one that believes the entire scripture, right? Now, I am not gay bashing—remember, Hello! Read my story! I UNDERSTAND! I GET IT! I understand the feelings if being BORN attracted to the same sex. No matter what I, or anyone else, especially straight Christians that have never experienced those feelings, thinks; it’s there. Whether we were ‘born’ that way as GAGA belts or if it was from rejection from a parent confusing sexual experiences during childhood, the feelings are there. THIS, I understand, again read my story. What I DON’T understand is how one can be a Christian (something that in several other countries would be suicide), could have, at one point, tasted and seen the goodness of God, believed the inspired Word of God in its entirety and then live a homosexual lifestyle as if nothing is wrong. Here’s the deal-I don’t see living a homosexual lifestyle any different from LIVING in any other sin. This includes those little old ladies that sit in the pews of the church every week full of anger, gossip, bitterness and maliciousness; or those straight men full of lust and perversion, acting on their thoughts on a daily basis. All of this is LIVING in sin and the Word is very clear on a deliberately unrepentive heart. Now, are you sinning just because you are ATTRACTED to the same sex, for whatever reason? BY NO MEANS! 

In Romans, Paul addresses the struggle with sin. We are born sinners! Period! Whether that means selfishness, pride, lustfulness, deceitfulness, or homosexuality-sin is human nature! Also in Romans, Paul gives us a hope as Christians to CHOOSE to live righteously through God’s Spirit. Romans 8:58 says, ‘Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds SET on what the NATURE desires (sin); BUT those who LIVE in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what is the Spirit desires. The mind of SINFUL MAN IS DEATH, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace, the sinful mind is hostile to God, It does not submit to God’s law, NOR CAN IT DO SO. Those controlled by the sinful nature CANNOT please God.’

Let me remind you that Paul is not yelling any of this through a megaphone at a gay pride parade. He’s writing these things to the CHURCH; Men and Women who have chosen to follow Christ, no matter what the sacrifice—whether that means giving up their ‘natural desires’ or even their LIVES! They are true brothers and sisters in Christ! (See September 13, 2013 Blog-‘Don’t Call Me Brother’;). And if anyone understood the nature of homosexuality it was the Romans (Historically, they actually raised young boys to have sexual, intimate relationships with older soldiers for purposes of greater loyalty and comradery in battle.) For the Romans, homosexuality was very much culturally acceptable. So, for Paul to address this with the church was necessary and was a struggle even then. Speaking to the Corinthians, he told THEM that the wicked will not inherit the Kingdom of God. ‘Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers…’ 1 Cor. 9-10. Remember, he’s speaking to the church. In the next verse he gives us hope, ‘and that is what some of you WERE! But you were WASHED, you were SANCTIFIED, you were JUSTIFIED in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God!’ Now, if you’re not a Christian and living a homosexual lifestyle, I, as well as Paul, expect you to sin. Hello, it’s our nature! And if we never give our hearts to the Lord and choose to count the cost, to pick up the cross and follow Him, then we will continue to be sinners and nothing but sinners.

Sinning SHOULD be expected. 1 Cor. 5:12-13 says, ‘What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? (Sinners will sin); Then Paul says, ‘Are you not to judge those inside?’ If you choose to be a Christian that means you chose to count the cost, and the cost for eternal life, the adoption into the family of God, peace that passes all understanding, connection with our Creator, a relationship like none other and ordained direction into a plan and will beyond our own comprehension, and you also CHOOSE to deny your flesh, your born sinful nature, giving in to the desires of lying with a person of the same sex and choosing to live a fulfilled righteous life through the help of the Holy Spirit; A free Gift, Comforter, Life Compass given when making the decision to count the cost and follow Him.

I can speak from experience, that I understand the desires. Knowing that they can never be met, that it just seems hopeless and pointless and the anger with God for ‘making’ you that way or ‘giving’ you those unattainable yearnings. But, I can also tell you that if you continue to fight, there is hope. As I choose to resist those desires and seek Him, He even replaces them with His own. A desire to marry and have beautiful, God ordained sex with a wife who will love, support, and pray for me, FULL of mercy! She will become a wonderful mother and we together will be fulfilled choosing to live a life ordained and led by our Abba Father; A Father who loves me, her, and even our unborn children, every former and current idolater, adulterer, prostitute, homosexual, the drunk, slanderer, and swindler, my friend and even you, so much that He sent His beautiful son to this wicked world to die for each of us, whether we TRULY accept Him or not, to give us a hope, a way out of death, out of our sinful nature into a present and eternal life of righteousness. And this gift, I understand. I understand that He walks with me through the fire. And His grace is sufficient for me to continue to choose Him no matter how strong those homosexual desires may EVER be, I MUST CHOOSE HIM! I have tasted and I have seen that God is good and I can no longer live a life that does not please Him. Yet, my friend does? I don’t get it?

Mark 3:33-34 – ‘Who are my mother and brothers? [Jesus] asked. Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, ‘Here are my mother and brother’s! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.’

One thing I hate is when words are used so flippantly that they truly lose their value or meaning. For example…love! How many new teenage, or codependent relationships, are out there with that person ‘loving’ some new prospect on a monthly basis. I’m sorry, but if you’re 21 and you have been in 38 different ‘relationships’ since the age of 14, I have a hard time believing that you ‘loved’ each of them as much as you probably told them. I was 26 before I allowed those words to come out of my mouth and I meant it every time, EVERY TIME I told this ONE girl during the duration of our relationship. It hasn’t left my mouth since (excluding family and friends) and I don’t plan on wasting such precious expression on just anyone. Well, here in prison it’s a different word…brother. Of course, mainly among the so called ‘Christians!’ This is my problem…they are ALL Christians! Really?! Just because you take out your Bible in the morning and read a verse, chapter, book doesn’t make you a Christian; or because you sing in the choir, attend a weekly Bible study, pray before you eat, wear a cross around your neck, or were baptized when you were born, nine, or last week, immersed or sprinkled or even if you were once a licensed minister, bishop, priest by the St. Peter First Baptist Pentecostal Lutheran Methodist Church of Christ of Latter Day Saints! This does not make you a Christian—AND IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU MY BROTHER! SO STOP CALLING ME OR ADDRESSING ME AS SUCH! To be honest, I have a hard enough time cleaning up your hypocrisy. It only adds to fall on your face, lay down your life, will, plans for you and begin to LIVE a life like Christ, selfless, loving, full of the Spirit, sacrificial, striving for holiness, seeking the Father and growing every day, worthy of persecution and willing to die for Him, me, or any other TRUE believer—THEN I will proudly shout it from the mountain tops. So, before you decide to call me ‘brother,’ look at the words of Jesus in Mark, or even Paul…have you truly been crucified with Christ? ‘Clothed’ yourself with Christ? Do you live by the Spirit or gratify the desires of the sinful nature? Do you carry my burdens? Rooted and established in love? Live a life worthy of the calling received or are you immoral, impure or greedy? Ate you wise in the way you live or do you get drunk with wine or are you filled with the Spirit? Are you submissive to me and me, you or do you do things out of selfish ambition or out of humility considering others better than yourself? Is your attitude the same as Christ? Are you content in every situation? Will you fight beside me? Die for me as I fight for Christ? Will I for you? Do you consider our hearts ‘knit’ together? Do you love me as much as you love yourself? This is not a game to me! This is my life, my purpose, my being! So ‘brother,’ are we both heirs of the Throne? Children of the King? Please don’t assume that because you believe the stories long ago about Jesus, from your youth pastor, parents, grandma, neighbor, Sunday school teacher, has some truth in it, being the son of this ‘higher power’, from AA you recognize as God, means that it gives you the right to call me anything more than a friend, acquaintance, neighbor, cellie. Know that I love you because I am called to love you and sometimes it is hard because you can be so fake. But I recognize your deception and I pray that through some ‘road to Damascus’ experience you will find that being a follower of ‘The Way’ is more than you reading, singing, studying, being sprinkled, immersed, or licensed! It’s about us obeying in every aspect—beyond the black and white, our submission, humbleness and communication with the Father! It’s our heart. A change inside that then brings the fruits. A repentance, TRUE repentance. Then and only then, by all means, call me your brother and THEN I will gladly, whole heartedly, without hesitation, open my arms to welcome you, as a member of the family, MY BROTHER!

**To my TRUE brother! Evidence of God turning something bad into such good! Where would my life be without meeting you! Have a wonderful birthday Saulo, and I hope to celebrate with you on the next one! Gracia y Paz

My niece competed in her first year of Fine Arts this year (Fine Arts Festival for young people in grades 6-12. They compete in categories like vocal performance, skits, human videos, short sermon, etc; on a district level with the possibility of advancing to nationals; all for a chance to win college scholarships at an Assemblies of God University.) After returning from nationals this year, she told her mom that she wanted to compete in the ‘solo human video’ category next year, but only wanted one person to teach her…her Uncle Shawn. My heart is full Since hearing this, all I have been doing is listening to the radio, brain storming. There’s this one song…’Redeemed’ by Big Daddy Weave…that pricks my heart and keeps floating to the top of the list. So every time I hear it, I try to dissect the words and every time, I see myself.

Not just me, but others. I know what society says about me; Most felons really, but especially those that had some kind of sexual addictions and especially dealing with a crime against a minor. We are branded with a scarlet letter—the lot of us-- A letter that isn’t sewn on our shirt, but burned into our chest, never fading—transforming from a scab to a rubbery, tight scar; Hopeless cases—impossible to reform or rehabilitate. I’ve taken enough psychology classes, read enough books, and watched enough SVU to know what ‘they’ say. Then I ask, “Is it possible to follow Christ and think this way?” I know some of you don’t think you think like this, but you do. Once that letter is branded, would you trust him or her with your child or teenager? Here’s the deal, trust is already not an easy thing for humankind to deal out. Now add the reasons why those ‘letters’ are branded on top of that and it is almost impossible. So I understand, I get it! I would be a hypocrite if I told you that I wouldn’t think twice before I trusted a ‘branded’ with my family. But, isn’t He able to reform and rehabilitate? He can make the blind see, lame walk, mend hearts, restore relationships, heal the sick, raise the dead, but purifying the perverted is too hard? There is something about that saying that pierces the core of my soul!

I am redeemed
You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
and wipe away every stain
Im not who I used to be
I am redeemed

I’m not who I used to be, I am redeemed! When I look at my life today, this is what I see! Redemption…what man sees as impossible is nothing for God. As Christians, why should we see repentant men and woman any different, branded with scarlet ‘A’s’, teal ‘K’s’, fuchsia ‘E’s’, violet ‘P’s’, or any other letter? If we really believe in the redeeming power of Jesus Christ, why couldn’t we, with His Spirit living in us, see these men and women with ‘FORGIVEN,’ ‘TRUSTED,’ ‘CHOSEN,’ ‘CHANGED,’ ‘REDEEMED’ in letters white as snow. I am not ignorant to the statistics of the reoffending rate of felons or the behavioral science of ‘pedophiles.’ BUT GOD is bigger and greater than statistics—He breaks barriers and goes beyond boundaries. Do I expect skepticism? Yes! It is wrong to be cautious of the ‘branded?’ No! Of course not! But please don’t label us as hopeless, destined to reoffend and cast us aside as lepers! Do your best to see these Hester Prynnes through the eyes of a loving, forgiving, redeeming God! You may have no idea what His plan is for one of the least of these or how much that scar in their life can heal an open wound in another. I hope to be an advocate someday for those branded and redeemed and a hope for change. Of course, I must rebuild that wall of trust one brick at a time, exposing my own letter for anyone to see—regretting my sin, my disobedience—and praying that it is seen as such—a sin…like any other, even yours, completely forgivable, COMPLETELY redeemable.      

I remember a time when my struggles were so painful I longed for death, or questioned my birth, my existence. It was a time when I prayed to trade others’ sins for my own; A time when I was so alone in my world. There was even a time after salvation, that I KNEW there was no one like me and no one could understand, really understand. My, what I call, “isolated identity,” made it hard to share my deepest wounds and scars, which I believe never allowed for complete obedience. I mean, I shared my darkest secret but what about the times it plagued me after that; Times when I should have been ‘delivered?’ The shame was insurmountable, overwhelming, and mine to harbor. This is when I cried out to God (whom I don’t know if I can say He was my Lord yet, if He was Lord He would reign in all areas of my life, right?) I told Him, “Whatever it takes!”
Now, almost five years later, I am approached by a man seeking God and everything He has for him, but isn’t receiving everything. After I hear his story, which is parallel to so much of my own, I am able to immediately see what keeps him from growth. Then, in the same week, I was approached by another man, and the same thing, I see the reason for the lull. Is this it? Is this the reason? The reason for me? For my pain?

‘He looked beneath his shirt today
He saw a wound in his flesh so deep and wide
And from the wound a lovely flower grew
from somewhere deep inside.’
---Sting, ‘The Lazarus Heart’

I believe that today, I looked beneath my shirt!

It’s kind of hard to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart! I just know it’s about repentance—a walk of continual repentance. Not because I am deliberately sinning every day or even sinning at all, but it’s just because I desire so much more of God and His Spirit. I know that it is impossible to actually sit at His feet or look on His face because of my flesh. I know that this flesh keeps me from Him and of course sin separates me even further. So, in my spiritual walk I am realizing the full glory of God, until I have my own glorified body. I can get as close as possible by everyday eliminating, getting rid of, or staying away from the one element that keeps me from getting closer—SIN!

Several years ago my mentor asked me why I didn’t want to look at pornography, and I think my answer had something to do with how it is ‘wrong,’ disappointing my family, being an example, etc. I remember him telling me that none of those answers would keep it from happening. Where I was in my walk, I knew that sin was bad and made God sad, which is what I didn’t want, but ‘hello!’ I was an addict! My addiction was more important to me than my Christian walk, but now, when I think of my physical freedom and the opportunity arising to dabble with an addiction that use to have me bound, hands, feet, neck and heart, I can not bring myself to even imagine the rift that would cause between me and God. It’s not even just pornography, it can be having selfishness or pride in my life, or even hesitating when God tells me to do something. It’s no longer about whatever standard or about being a good example. It’s simply about separation from a good, perfect, and holy God. Something about often “tasting the heavenly gift” and “sharing in the Holy Spirit” I cannot bring my self to depart and because of this, I choose to WALK IN REPENTANCE!

I’ve never in my life had more to be thankful for! To my friends and family—I love you and thank God that you are each in my life! Most importantly, I am thankful to my Lord whom I am not now and never will be ashamed. His sovereign power is overwhelming, His goodness unending, promises abundant, and His mercy undeserved. In some strange way, I am thankful for my circumstances. I would never be where I am physically, emotionally, or spiritually without it. It is only through our pain and mistakes that we grow! Thank you God and Happy Thanksgiving to all!

I’ve been thinking a lot about unconditional love lately—It’s very easy for us to say that we love someone but how ‘unconditional’ is that love? I was once in love and believed that there was nothing that could have taken that love away—the way I felt in my heart was irreversible—of course, once these feelings were no longer reciprocated by the girl I knew I was to spend the rest of my life with, it became a little confusing. I became hurt and then eventually just stopped loving her. I remember being in the middle of that relationship thinking, “there is nothing that she could do to stop me from loving her,’ and then she stopped loving me and her actions showed it…somehow my love became conditional on her love in return. Maybe this is how humans are wired?

Dogs on the other hand, are different. I had a daschund (weenie dog) growing up named Sam. I love that dog—almost to death. I was kind of like that cartoon character, Myra, from Loony Toons, who ‘loved’ each and every one of her animals to the point of hugging then so hard that she nearly killed them. Well, Sam would go on regular ‘adventures’ with me. I remember dropping him in a large garbage can to see if he could get out (obviously he couldn’t, his bred to chase small creatures in the ground, not leap tall buildings.) And I may have shut the lid and left him in there a while. We had several other adventures that I won’t mention for fear of PETA;) You can only imagine what I did to my sister’s cat, which I didn’t like.

Here’s the thing, no matter what I did to that poor dog—he would still come when I called, still wag his tail when I entered the room, and still wants to lick every inch of my face if it got close enough. My understanding is that these are ways of affection shown by a dog! Sam did not need me to show him love. I was plain mean to that beautiful puppy and he continued to return to me for more ‘beatings.’ He was a glutton for punishment. A man’s best friend—unconditionally. In pondering about unconditional love, and if humans are capable, I think of Sam.

Jesus told us that the greatest command is to love God and then everyone else; just like you would love yourself. This is radical! To be so selfless! He also tells us in Luke 6 to love our enemies, and not just those who love us back, even sinners do that—we are to love everyone, whether it’s reciprocated or not. So, maybe we aren’t “wired” to love unconditionally and that’s why Jesus has to command us to do so and not just say it, but show it by giving His life as an example.

So if you’re being ‘suffocated’ by Myra or stuffed into a trash can and finding it hard to love, think of Sam or better yet, the Man who died for all of us, whether we love Him, hate Him, don’t know Him, or deny Him. This is unconditional love!

**After a life with the mom I have, I now understand why there are so many arms around the country that are covered with ink exclaiming, “I HEART Mom!” Thank you mom for your endless love, fervent prayers and overwhelming support! I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I Heart You Mom!

You know, growing up in Pentecostal churches you hear and get used to a lot of the lingo referring to faith like, “Just speak it into existence,” or “name it, claim it.” Where do we get these things? I know that Romans 4:17 says that “God gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were,” but us? And is faith really just saying something and *POOF* it’s done—what if it isn’t? Did we not have enough faith? In my present circumstances there is one thing that I have learned more about faith than anything…If HE says it, it will be done and if HE speaks things that aren’t there into existence, they exist! Knowing this, as we draw closer to Him and our Spirit connects with His voice and promises then we know these things will come to pass!

Smith Wigglesworth said, ‘Faith is the evidence, the assurance that the word that God hath said is true. It is the gift of God. Unclouded faith has entered in to prove all things and believe all things…’all men have not faith’ (2 Thessalonians 3:2). Those of faith in God are determined that no man shall take their crown. They see the promise. See the thing there and claim it from God. It is always more than one can carry! It not only helps you, but all who believe the report. A living Word, quickened by a living faith, brings forth the evidence, which though not seen is there.’

So it’s not about just wanting something and ‘speaking’ it and ‘claiming’ it. It’s about hearing and believing the voice and promises of the Almighty I Am! Then by all means, claim it and claim every part of it! Tell the world. It no longer becomes a ‘name it, claim it’ faith but a ‘Thus sayeth the Lord’ faith.

And because of this I share my next statement. This is for my readers: friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, supporters, believers or not. I wouldn’t normally share something so personal, between God and me, but I believe it is time to let you all know…go ahead and carry this, believe with me, fast and pray or doubt and don’t, either way it’s done. I only know that before you hear the report, you must know the promise.

“Shawn, no one else has done for me what you will do for me. Everyday is a gift from me. It is your year of release. Not just from prison, but in all areas—there have been things that have yet to be released in the heavenlies, but this year, they will be released and they will manifest in the natural world. You will not struggle or strive for those things. They will not come out of your power but as you relax in Me and breathe me in, I will release things out of my great love for you. Through your release, friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers will come to know Me in a new way. No one man will be able to deny that I did this. You watch and see what I will do!’
----Thus Sayeth the Lord!

**To the woman whom I have no doubt knows this faith and lives it on a daily basis. Thank you for your support, prayers, and for believing my report! I love and miss you! Happy Birthday, Kathi (Kathryn) Pruett.

***May this year be full of love and ice cream! Make sure to eat a pint for me! Happy Birthday Kristina Jonker!!