breaking the hush

I remember a time when my struggles were so painful I longed for death, or questioned my birth, my existence. It was a time when I prayed to trade others’ sins for my own; A time when I was so alone in my world. There was even a time after salvation, that I KNEW there was no one like me and no one could understand, really understand. My, what I call, “isolated identity,” made it hard to share my deepest wounds and scars, which I believe never allowed for complete obedience. I mean, I shared my darkest secret but what about the times it plagued me after that; Times when I should have been ‘delivered?’ The shame was insurmountable, overwhelming, and mine to harbor. This is when I cried out to God (whom I don’t know if I can say He was my Lord yet, if He was Lord He would reign in all areas of my life, right?) I told Him, “Whatever it takes!”
Now, almost five years later, I am approached by a man seeking God and everything He has for him, but isn’t receiving everything. After I hear his story, which is parallel to so much of my own, I am able to immediately see what keeps him from growth. Then, in the same week, I was approached by another man, and the same thing, I see the reason for the lull. Is this it? Is this the reason? The reason for me? For my pain?

‘He looked beneath his shirt today
He saw a wound in his flesh so deep and wide
And from the wound a lovely flower grew
from somewhere deep inside.’
---Sting, ‘The Lazarus Heart’

I believe that today, I looked beneath my shirt!