the blog
Breaking the hush, again
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It's a new year. A time for second chances, starting over, resolutions and renewals. At least for me. I haven't written anything on here in over 2 years. There's a reason for that, and though it may be painful and embarrassing to talk about, I feel that I need to. First, because this is breaking the hush, right? Secondly, I don't think I want to forget how I feel right now or how I got here. Finally, just maybe, someone will understand... at least one person and they've been there, or are there and by me 'breaking the hush, it might minister to them or them even to me. I've always believed that there's healing in being honest and open. It's worked for me so far!
Let's start a few years back. It's hard to remember the place I was in emotionally and spiritually, but I know I was lonely. That I do remember. I had no friendships that shared my same spiritual DNA. Now, while at my transfer unit, I had SEVERAL of these relationships. I was blessed, but leaving to my ID unit was a different story. There were men there that I believe loved the Lord, it just wasn't the same. I spent a year on my knees praying and expecting God to do something. A miracle-the one He promised me and my family. Eventually, it felt as if God stopped speaking. I wouldn't hear Him as clearly or at all. I mean before, there were times where it was great. He would give me dreams and visions, etc. Gradually, they'd become fewer and it began to seem like I would spend all this time in prayer, but God became silent. I started to get angry with God, not only because I couldn't hear Him, I felt He took His promise with Him. My hope was no longer in Him, but in His words and actions. In my anger, I started to ignore my convictions. Strong convictions. It would be something small which led to something else. Eventually, my bitterness brought me into deep sin. It wasn't so evident on the outside to the non-spiritual eye, but it was there. Gradually, I became involved in a relationship definitely not sanctioned by God. My heart slowly began to wrap itself around theirs until there was no room for God to be my Lord. I was in love with this person. Everything I was and did was about them. I spoke a lot of things that hurt God and knew would have a huge effect on my spirit if I ever chose to give my heart back to Him. I was so deceived by my heart. Just like that scripture in Jeremiah, 'The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?' (Jer. 17:9). You see-they also knew what was going on was wrong. We both strongly believed what the Word of God said was truth. But we also knew what our hearts wanted and weren't trying to listen to anything or anyone but our fleshly heart. These were very real feelings and emotions. I don't believe everyone reading this would agree or understand. Honestly, I'm not offended...but I'm breaking the hush in my life, in case maybe one day you will. I was in the middle of something and I didn't really know how I got there. I just knew I was here and in this place...my heart molded to theirs and was completely okay with it. I was loved, I had companionship, and it filled a void I thought. I was happy...at times. I had no intention of coming back to the Lord or leaving that relationship. I was committed. I was devoted. I was hopeless! I knew what needed to be done, but I knew it was too late. My family knew and eventually resigned to the fact that all they could do was pray. So pray they did. I stopped writing this blog or anyone else. I know that it is impossible for me to communicate with the people I love only on a surface level. So if I didn't feel I could write and be honest because of shame, lack of understanding, etc. then I wouldn't write at all. And I wanted what was happening-I knew what I should do and I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. I was stuck. The heart wants what the heart wants and I knew the alternative would only bring pain...worth it or not.
During a moment of sobriety-I told my dad to ask his doctor for a hardship-in TDJC, if you are a certain amount of miles away from your family, with a doctor's letter they can apply for a hardship which sends you closer to home. The doctor was just supposed to send the letter to my dad in case we ever needed it. Unbeknownst to my dad, the doctor had done this before and sent it straight to Huntsville. A few weeks later, I was called to the office to see if I wanted to accept the hardship. He gave me until the next morning to think about it. I knew my family wanted me close, but I also knew that I was on a great unit. Good weather. Perfect job. The best living situation. Great friends I had made in 4 years...it was home. But my spiritual life was dead. My heart wanted to deny it. Leaving meant leaving all of this and the person I loved. There was just something inside of me that knew this might be my last chance. Staying may have meant comfort, happiness, love, but it was only temporary. Staying meant eternal death. So the next morning I took it. Almost 9 weeks later, I was on my way to Beaumont, to a unit known for its crookedness, its chaos and filth, and still a few hundred miles from my family. I question God, if it really took all this and His silence is answer enough. Almost 10 years ago, I prayed 'whatever it takes' and He is still answering.
I'm safe, which matters, and my heart is in more pain than I've ever experiences, but I've made God my Lord again. UNASHAMEDLY! Do I have regrets? Yes, of course! Do I hope for God to show His mercy quickly? Yeah. Do I deserve it? No-Never! Nunca! And If He doesn't or never speaks to me again, I will still trust Him, I'll still love Him and I'll still serve
Thank you God for your mercy! Thank you for sending me here. Thank you for taking me out of a place of hopelessness and bringing me to a place of surrender. A place of desperation and depravity to bring me to my knees. Thank you for the dark times, the trials and tribulations. Thank you for the pain, the lessons, and the hope. In ALL THINGS I give thanks!
Breaking the Hush,
Shawn
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