the blog
Tokens
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When I left Dalhart, I thought that I'd sacrificed enough. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But after being gone just a few weeks, I realized that I still had 'tokens' from my relationship. Physical momentoes. Anybody who knows me, knows how sentimental I can be. I literally will save a piece of trash if it means something to me. So, you can imagine I kept a few things in my relationship. Now, if I was mentoring someone who ended or was ending an unhealthy relationship, one of the first things I would have them do is get rid of these 'tokens.' And here I am. The hard part is there was no real ending. I fact, it was clear when I left that we weren't ending it. Of course, turning back to the Lord, that's going to be a problem. So, in doing so, committing my life again to Him, living as I should-God's not going to let it slide. Letting go of those 'tokens' would be the big beginning to the final end of the relationship. Of course, any of you that have been anywhere near this situation know, it's not easy. For three years I lowered my guard on my heart and my emotions. I completely lived in my flesh and gave everything I had to give to this man, Juan; and just moving hundreds of miles away-though it seemed like enough--it wasn't. As I began to get closer to the Lord, I realized I no longer had parts of my heart to give and though leaving was the catalyst for a renewed relationship with God, He was requiring so much more. I bound myself to this man with words like: 'my heart is yours, you and me forever, you're everything to me, I'll do anything for you.' And when spoken, I meant every word. I had spoken strongholds into my life and these tokens were a reflection of that.
So for two months, I have been telling the Lord, 'no, not yet,' 'it's too painful,' and He has been patiently waiting for me to lay down those things that are hurting His heart and keeping me from getting closer. My mind was saying yes, but my heart (which is deceptive-Jer. 17:9) was crying out,' No'- Begging to hold on! Well, this week, while reading Joshua, I began to think it all the sacrifices God asked if the Israelites. Then I though all the way back to Abel and his offering, Abraham willing to give up Isaac, to God Himself giving us His son and that son giving His own life. It took all of That for me to see that if I didn't want it, or love it-it might NOT be much of a sacrifice. But I wanted those tokens and I loved Juan.
So today, on Good Friday, I took those tokens, wrapped them as a gift and laid them on the floor, symbolizing laying then at the foot of the cross, and I wept. I bawled like a baby. I hurt, and I let go. I sacrificed. When my crying was done, I picked it up and threw them away. Then I went back and cried some more. I told the Lord that I trusted Him to take care of Juan-who knows the truth-and that I know my sacrifice will be honored because of His promises, but that it didn't matter because His sacrifice was enough/. Then I wrote a song:
MY HEART IS YOURS
I've never known such pain like this
It's a rupture in my chest
I lay down all I have to you
I sacrifice my best
Let these tokens from my past
Smell sweet to you, Lord
It's everything I have
All I can afford
Now I praise you alone
I long to see your face
All you have you give to me
Your love. New mercies, and your grace
CHORUS
My heart is yours, my heart is yours
My heart is yours, all of it Lord
My heart is yours, my heart is yours
No turning back, yours forever more.
Bridge:
I'll do anything for you 'cause you're everything to me
I give you all of my heart and now you set me free
Breaking the Hush,
Shawn
**Lord,
My heart is yours and not just part of it. YOU'RE everything to me and I'll do anything for YOU. Thank you for giving your life for me, even though you knew it would hurt. Thank you for hope and restoration. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for HEALTHY relationships, new songs, and new mercies, and hank you for accepting my sacrifice. I love you!
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