the blog
Whatever It Takes
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The first time I walking into my public defender???s office 9 years ago, he told me that I was a good guy, but a horrible criminal. I took that as a compliment but at the same time, it didn???t sound like a good defense. He saw in my file that when the detectives showed up on my doorstep, it didn???t take 5 minutes for them to have a FULL confession. According to my attorney, I said too much. He probably would have dropped me on the spot if he knew that the only reason the police even came to my house because I reported myself. Well, not directly to the police, but to the social media site I was using. Let me explain???
I created an account with an alternate persona. This page that was set up by me, had pictures of a man I never met with an alias and all other made up info. I then used that account to speak with my victim. This is called ???cat fishing.??? I hated what I was doing, the deceit of it all. But it was like I was living in two different worlds. After cat fishing my victim, I sat on the edge of my bed completely disgusted with myself. I didn???t like this Shawn???I knew I was called for a purpose and this negated that calling. So with my head in my hands, in the darkness, I whispered the words, ???Whatever It Takes, Lord!??? I was hopeless, I knew I could no longer do this on my own and the same was unbearable. I needed help and it was to be divine. Soon after those desperate sincere words resonated-I logged back into that account and red flagged it to the company, which sends an ???alert??? message that gets the social media site investigated for inappropriate content or actions. I honestly only thought that this would warrant cancelation of the bogus account. I didn???t know that what I was doing was illegal. There was no physical contact or meeting, or intentions of such. I had never heard of anyone getting in trouble for inappropriate conversations with a teenager. Now, this is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for what I did. Not legally nor spiritually. Like I said, things weren???t right. I just saw it as a cheap substitute for a porn addiction that I was trying to kick on my own.
For the last 9 years, there have been times when I would drop the ???What if.??? What if I never flagged that account? What if I never gave that confession? Where would I be? What would I be doing???? All kinds of questions ran through my mind. There is one thing I know for sure???I now have NO REGRETS on telling on myself. Of course, I regret my sin ??? the deception, hurting others, but I don???t regret where that moment, on the edge of my bed 9 years ago, has taken me. I don???t regret ???whatever it takes!??? I don???t regret my report of cooperation. Even though it???s been hard, lonely, incredibly painful and shameful, it has been worth it. I never thought that I would be able to sit here and opening write this to you a healthy, free man. It???s worth going through all of that to be able to openly and honestly share my story for the 14 year old Shawn out there who thinks freedom from his struggles is impossible, or the man or even woman out there who things they are all alone in their addiction.
To you, there is hope, there is life and freedom through Christ. You are NOT ALONE ??? it takes openness and honesty-there will be pain and sacrifice but there is nothing that is not worth the feeling of freedom and being able to commune with the Creator because of the purity in your life. Purity is possible and freedom is feasible. Whatever it takes!
Breaking the Hush~
Shawn
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