breaking the hush

You know, I wasn’t going to blog today because I didn’t want to bring attention to my birthday. I usually don’t tell people because I don’t want it to be a big deal-don’t get me wrong, I love parties, but the problem comes when they party’s focus is on me. I think that there is such overwhelming gratitude in my heart that I don’t ever feel like I could know how to express it. (I don’t want it to seem canned or insincere.) Or I never thought my life was worth celebrating. So, I like to keep it small and intimate. But, I feel I owe it to those that do know, how I coped today. I tried to let it pass as just another day, but no matter how hard I tried to forget, I couldn’t. Then I began to think of how old I turned and where my life is. I remembered more of my story-when I was young, I would wish so many times that I would have never been born. I was so lost and hopeless. I knew my struggles-my mind was tormented, believing I was “born gay”- and I thought I knew what the church and God felt about that, and I couldn’t live with myself. It was hard, very hard! I then remembered at another point in my life, I felt I had royally messed up, hurt people, ruined my witness, and destroyed the call God had for me, causing me to have no hope in living, I pleaded with God to kill me.

Today, I received a comment from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. Some of her words were verbatim of a vision my mother had of my future just a few months prior, and they both confirmed the call God instilled in my heart twelve years ago! Lauren’s words were a special gift from God today, and that it still holds true. Knowing how close I did come to giving up and even death, made me realize how thankful I am for life, no matter my age and where I may fit in the suicidal status quo. So, today I turn 30 and see a man with a future full of blessing, adventure, anointing, and hope, thriving on my purpose and loving life to the fullest. Who knows-maybe I’ll even have a party next year!

Happy Birthday to Me,

Shawn